Maaayyy
We wouldn't go out. Wouldn't answer the door or the phone. Its not sustainable though we are too desperate for family/friends so its a matter of time until one of us folds and answers or opens the door. It was fascinating watching the progression of people trying to talk to us. The absolute worst tried first and we would learn a lot about where they figured we were at by their attempts to send someone we might consider talking to.
This time was different though we were not trying to find short term safety we knew no one contacting us could make much difference there. We couldn't leave us here now alone like this. I've got you Me. We would repeat it over and over, We still do, to ease the anxiety, to make some dent if possible on the isolation. As a mantra against fatal cynicism.
We haven't read any books for weeks now. Went to far with the contemporary gothic probably trying to pretend we were okay and in a mental and emotional state robust enough for ninteenth centrury English orphanages and their dissociated victims. We pushed on any way rather than try and find something else and now we wont even pick up a book, any book. There's poetry in the bathroom and for a while in made the time spent in there because codiene and not enough salad a lot more interesting. Too fucking raw to risk it now.
...
Wondered how we would be coping if it wasn't for animal crossing and Disney plus but we have only allowed ourself to open up and feel so bad because we have the means to get through it. We feel a lot that having no visible support while knowing the abuse, networks are always there is maybe just too much especially the distance day after day from Margo and the worst it gives a more detailed view, helps us identify stuff we couldn't see when in the midst or straight after.
Did better today though. It's all too horrible when we first wake up so once he has left for school we head back to Chill to see what Nook has in store and look for fossils. We only need a couple more for that exhibit so are not expecting them to turn up any time soon. Even with the pain levels and the messed up brain chemicals we usually do a thing or two later, like walking, chores. Not enough chores to not gross out the electricians who apparently are refusing to return. Got Junior to put playmobil castle in the cupboard and threw out a bin liner full of lego.. Important rites of passage.
Sometimes we find it difficult when he is huggy and affectionate because he is so big and brash and loud. Some of us are a bit scared of being unintentionally squished by him and we feel bad for that because we know that fear takes away our parenting energy. We feel ourselves shrinking from him. He calls me a wonderful mummy constantly, something he does more when he's worried about us.
Today we passed smokers and enjoyed the smell and but didn't crave. Still using the replacements, barely some days others we are sooking like mad on the little plastic thing non stop. I'm so very glad we are no longer worsening our health with the constant fags. Going to stop writing about now though because now we are craving.
....
These days we walk more and sleep more and sometimes can't bare silence. People seem to be pretty much the same as they ever were. And the isolation is triggering memories of going to sleep that isn't going to sleep at all it's putting down the amnesiac so someone else can reach for the phone or the keys or the whatever. The amnesiac never knows no idea at all ever but she will feel a lot more anxious. A lot more nuts.
I hate feeling even more anxious and even more nuts.
I got you Me. I got you.
We are not going to die of loneliness at 45.
