By Hope

-

 We can not We will not leave ourself without the essential plant for so long ever ever again. A Doc asked for blood to make sure the torture arthritis is not something else. Gave it to a nurse who was concerned about our blood pressure she has us monitoring it at home. It is a relief to meet someone who cares about our blood pressure. It doesn’t seem to be as high as it was but our pulse isnt as low as it was with her. 

Changed antidepressants or rather taking two antidepressants because we do get a little instant relief from the sertaline and need that. The new one is making us sleep more. Wish we could remember our rap musical from the other night. Not so much the plot though, less white sisters and their people involvement in our abuse. A room with instruments in a dealers house where some of it happened. Some crazy vivid effects that where pretty cool at times. The theme repeated often enough that its remembered even turned up in dreams since as we are trying the remember the words there to. S, L, A, V, E. Kinda awesome rapping about having our voice taken from us. 

Today it was school, deep water, children’s toys and Hallowe’en themed. The endless, drugged/dissociated aloneness we cant get a break from. Weed will, eventually but then we start forgetting how awful it is without it and wanting a little more from life knowing not enough has changed for that to be possible. 

Hope is out there, in another solar system the thought of that still has us smiling, Speranza cant. I think she’s dying and cant do anything about it. Her families have chosen that for us, maybe not all of their first or happy choice but still a choice. 

We cant force people to stop physically attacking us but we cant force them to show us love, acceptance or home.

Popular posts from this blog

Letter to Savile Investigations.

-
There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...
Read more

Wimping out because of pain

-
Wee man not in nursery, the ibuprofen wasn't working. Feel guilty now. He's been a nightmare recently about nursery. He's happy when I pick him up but resists most of the way there. As for the essay, it might even be a fail. Not that bothered, I've the time now literature is over and the next module, is 'Minds and Bodies', Descartes, bring it on. Think I should give my self a break from the structured stuff and just read and write about whatever I want. Use here more, tackle the old notes. No forces by big square brain into round holes. Feeling better now though, might even put the washing out, or at least out of the washing machine anyway. The more I think about the more justified I feel in attempting to claim disability. With the lawyer dudes help I will have a chance, certainly didn't on that form on my own. How many depressed people are able to be truely honest about how it effects their day to day living? As with the compensation claim ...
Read more

Watered and fed the Roses

-
Image
 We couldnt leave the flat this time last year. Couldn't even make it to the bins sometimes. Think I remember a post about the total dread experienced when May turned to June. Not so this year. Was a bit worried We would feel something close to that awfulness, that triggered terror on the day of the coronation that Tesco and the met office kindly told us about but nothing like it. Jesus those late last year posts acting like we were getting out fucking telling Junior we might be going home and 'twin'? wtf.   Unfortunately, ended up in the garden the same time as the downstairs horror story and knew she was going to say something there was no way she wasn't going to mention it. She asked if We watched it I said 'Nah' pointlessly hoping that would be the end of it. She started talking about how 'wonderful' it was and we stuck up for ourself and all that is decent everywhere by saying it's 'a bit ridiculous for a modern country'. She started som...
Read more