..dear reader..

It doesn't feel necessary or helpful to do this anymore. English and our little flat are the same thing. Ridiculously hard fought for but very far short of what we need. This is the best it can give me now. It was always the language of slavers but that meant it was the language of resistance as well. Now its just the language of  institutions and disconnection. Bought a kids introduction to Spanish. It did make us want to get out a notebook and pen start copying stuff answering questions. It will also make Us want to speak and thats a lot of feelings that have to be managed or at least not self destructively plunged head first into when our hands are still tied. That plane. Those words. Out loud words and not just at my end in Torry, recently escaped and needing to convince everyone everywhere I wasn't actually there whilst it was made more and more necessary that I proved I was. It was a conversation that was not entirely annihilated afterwards and has kept us wrapped up and ...

 It’s late but it’s been messing with us for days. Uterine punches that scream ‘here I am’ then nothing. Think we are in less pain all the time because we have been walking more and of course if we can walk more we hurt less.. Generally avoid peak times over the weekends and reminded ourselves of why that is today. Is it us are there solid external reasons why find it is even harder to convince ourselves that people are just people on the weekends. Triggered and paranoid or triggered into not bullshitting? Dunno. Dont like it at all either way. Chatting at any time is excruciating and its leaves a lot of mental mess afterwards. We keep trying to imagine how that could be easier and maybe one day we could even form a friendship but never come up with anything. My God the mirtazapine though. Doc didn’t argue about ending it.  We currently not on any antidepressants. Early days so we are shouting about. Weird shit that feels physical and outside of normal weird shit that happens ...