It doesn't feel necessary or helpful to do this anymore. English and our little flat are the same thing. Ridiculously hard fought for but very far short of what we need. This is the best it can give me now. It was always the language of slavers but that meant it was the language of resistance as well. Now its just the language of institutions and disconnection. Bought a kids introduction to Spanish. It did make us want to get out a notebook and pen start copying stuff answering questions. It will also make Us want to speak and thats a lot of feelings that have to be managed or at least not self destructively plunged head first into when our hands are still tied.
That plane. Those words. Out loud words and not just at my end in Torry, recently escaped and needing to convince everyone everywhere I wasn't actually there whilst it was made more and more necessary that I proved I was. It was a conversation that was not entirely annihilated afterwards and has kept us wrapped up and safe but it's time to let it go if we have any chance of possible grown up son, maybe surviving friends, still existing men. Not that we remember the actual words of course unless they were being played back to floor us, or to open us up for business. It was the proof of life and the fucking truth. The basic humanity and human interaction.
His death, his stolen and wasted everything along with the extra twenty years taken from Us is still burning but he would be very glad to know we don't spends days/weeks on the phone anymore and am able to work on healing our splits.
The 'we will never forgive you for this America' for allowing the slaughter of their own like that, knowing the global carnage that would follow isn't nearly as bitter tasting as it was but still very true. We just don't feel that abusive relationship addict need to believe it could of been so different, to believe it was my fault for being, my fault for being messed with, there there is something more I should of showed, more I should be saying.
