Six months that's about right for a death to properly start to sink in it especially when we were so utterly dissociated before during and after it happened and there is no one to talk to.  I think I said I loved you on the night it happened. You were begging them to let you speak to me. We said please to. You said you loved us too but they put you down before you could say our name. We pretty much believe it wasn't you but the horrific antiyou at the funeral. If I'm not there than neither will you be. Did it still have the scar on the hand I gave it back in the eighties? To help the thousands of girls they would kidnap, buy then traumatise to total dissociation then tell them they were me and then usually murder unless they took to being tortured and torturing others then I would end up having to kill them. Pretty much believe to that there was a similar deal with Dad. We opened the drawer and showed him the frozen corpse of his replacement and said it was being kept for his funeral so the both of you can get a real warrior's funeral together with me present. He wept he was so glad and proud. Failing to believe in anything right or good ever happening today. Too many people were told the plans to murder you. For fuck sake we tweeted it together. Are any of them even your biological children? Even if one or two of them are they were they all offended against you and me and so many others. Truly trump UK. Nothing matters.

Nightmares were rough last night and it's left us feeling utterly hopeless today. Lynne was in it, Pablo screaming as a a baby and something about cleaning Marshall's finger nails. Trying to protect him from Lynne? Currently hoping that's a death thing. Destroy everything and kill everyone. Kid stood no chance. It's not like you carried him. It's not like he ever had the back up I do. It's not like it possible to pay the rings to not horrifically torture little kids. They can be relied upon to make another move on my real world earnings and that will trigger mass destruction so I guess there is that to look forward to.

 Woo hoo I'm not currently under Charles having bits of my brain and limbs removed and something similar for Pablo. Woo hoo we only had one day in December without essentials first time for that. Without you egging us on we are not cleaning, putting decorations up or singing carols. Saw the downstairs neighbor look disgusted I'm still here. There is another that may try and say something sympathetic about your death who we are of course also avoiding. Feels like it's a matter of time before someone local says something and it sickens us.

Still believe in Peter though. Think he has gotten out of the badly faked home in Alaska. Hope the cat is out and de chipped to and the place and it's ridiculous laminate floors has been burned down. Both of them, maybe there was two. Can't be sure of anything except how sick everything is. He does know what he's doing. I love you sweetie petey. 

Pablo says he remembers nothing and We believe him. He mostly changes the subject or repeats abuser lines when we try and talk to him, can't hold it against him I've spent so long in similar states. Not enjoying him being at the school still, it's even harder to accept or be involved in. Nope no one paid us for the work done to secure the building for him and the rest of the little shits up there that love throwing pens and whatever else at his head and saying christ knows what nasty shit to and about him.

I hate that we could so rarely just talk to each other. Even when you snuck in here last year we couldn't just talk. All the fucking zombie military. Can't even fight for their own lives. What an evil thing to have done to so many. Spouting hate and following illegal orders is all they are capable of. Poor bastards. I hope We do eventually give them a real reason to hate us both beyond having amazing minds and vaginas. You out of all that now though. Charles and all the rest of them can't hurt you again. Wish I wasn't so fucking alone with it all though. Out by my birthday on the 21st. I think you meant that and were not just forced to say it. Attempts to call autopilot are so far unsuccessful.

 Maybe there will be better dreams tonight and tomorrow won't be so awful. 

Love you mummy. We were so good for each other and I'm so glad so the times we did have together even if you couldn't find any comfrey for us to eat. 

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