March 08, 2012

Fear

Really nasty dream last night, biggest sis said the jumper I was wearing had been a present from her to me and she wanted it back, she took it off me. I protested back my mum was on her side. Lots of trying to save babies from my mum, pointless phone calls to the police and trying to convince myself that because wee man is four hes safe now. When I first came round, first I had to figure out where I was and after that I felt like there is no fucking way I'm leaving him with them this weekend. At the moment I'm hoping its like the big talking boulders in the Labyrinth telling them to turn back, at their worst when your own the right track.

Still scared though. But I need it, I need to move forward but I can't bare the thought of anything happening to him. I don't know if I should go, I know I probably will go though, I'm hard wired to be brave whenever possible. He's so adorable how can I even think of doing anything that might put him in danger..

Saw the new psychiatrist today, she really is pretty wonderful compared to the last one. She has no idea about ritual abuse and mind control but she mentioned things like 'complex PTSD', anti psychotics not being appropriate, and said she wasn't sure if labels were all that helpful. I agreed except in terms of getting benefits, she said we will cross that bridge when we come to it and it wont be a delusional disorder. I think she might be a bit pissed off at the last prick.

Day two of no smoking (again) got patches and a little inhaler thing which I am currently sooking on like mad. Still want a spliff, a big woolen blanket, some good radio and to rock all the little mes for a while. Doc said she understood why I would like cannabis so much if it blocked out memories and helped me sleep. It does neither of these things for me, I start seeing patterns in things and get all excited. I told about the distinction for creative writing I got during a time of regular, quality supplies. It helps me remember.

Think its probably best if I give the reading a miss tonight, some of them in the 'Healing Ritual Silence' book are really positive but I don't know until I've read them. Christ I'm tired, tired and scared.