April 22, 2012

Happy Earth Day.

Very happy to say that my own little patch of earth is doing well, the twins have settled in fine.  Its great.  Not that I'm entirely comfortable with it, of course.  What with it being illegal and all.  But I can't deny all the myriad of positive feelings I have about it.  Daft hippy shit like having a relationship with growing things.  Nurturing something that can never be violent towards me.  I saw a book on Amazon about the benefits of marijuana and it brought to mind the good stuff.  The sudden sensations of being in my body, how its aching from tension and needs stretching, exercise and care.  That mental motivation to get shit done.  To tackle mess bit by bit, taking lots of breaks and deal with it.  That feeling of being able to know myself and love me. 

Of course, there is always going to be a part of me that disapproves.  The 'drugs are bad' part, that wishes I didn't want it, didn't need it, to remember, to think, to feel, to create.  The part that wants to be like the other mums I meet, with social lives, sexual partners and a greater tolerance for part time work.  The part of me that wants to be a 'good girl' and thinks that means doing what authorites tell me to do but I can't let others dictate what is good for me.  It's not like 'authorites' have ever kept me safe.  The exact opposite, memories of abuse by men in suits, outside in the Glen.  Sometimes the sight of an expensive car can still ruin my day.  Straighting their ties and talking tech.  I don't want that feeling of being locked out of myself, of the world or hating people (and myself) for not giving me what I need.  It's my life.  I have found something that I think is a beautiful, beautiful thing.  Something that I don't have to associate with the criminal classes to access..

Goddam criminal classes, not very happy at all about the over dub girl joining my drama therapy.  I hope she'll prove me wrong but I don't think she's open minded enough for it.  Her constant anxieties are not something that will do me any good to be around and she's too rough with her dog..   

What a snob I am.  It is pretty universal though, anyone who seems to represent any social class makes me uncomfortable, pissed off and alienated.

Watched One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest, what a fucking masterpiece it is.  Last time I turned of just before the electroshock treatment part.  Watched it all again this time.  I was so in love with the Chief in my teens.  Still am a bit.