April 14, 2012

Living and Growing

So the twins are in. A bit late they were literally like beansprouts by the time I got back from my mum's. I'm having the whole infinity with it again. Feeling for them. Not sure about the led though but only time well tell. This is Scotland remember, not much of acceptance of medicinal benefits of banned substances. I feel writes growing in my mind. Little capillaries linked what I was, what I am and the kind of life I used to dream about. Maybe that's why I dream about the Glen so much. Getting so close to the contours of pine forests, the hit from rhododendrons. Something happen in my when I spent a lot of time outside an moving around out there. I feel in love with the rural landscape and it made me feel like a poet.

Still want to punch middle sis if I see her for more than a day and a night. She keep repeating in her usual style when drunk, that she 'loves' her nursing work. I'm glad she is getting on better with her two. She still turns into my dad verbally after she's had a drink. That same selfish lifestyle that sapped away everyone else's resources. The same verbal dramatics and constant resorting to cynical attempts at wit. Wit that can make both of them great company when they are not all twisted up in denial and depression. The same psychotic repetition.

Mum said she wanted out of nursing, like she's had enough of it. Caring for Grandad has maybe got to her. I'm glad something has. I don't think he's quite ready to go yet.

Things stop spinning for a little while. I see myself as more than commodity. I start moving things around so it all works better. Feeling pretty good.