..dear reader..

Spring ANPs waking today.  Girls that came from good homes, that laugh easier and freer who developed their understanding of themselves outside of abuse, who were loved when they little.  I will never be comfortable using the term 'Apparently Normal Personalities' in regards to anything that is me but its what we working with at the moment and it has a ring to it. ANPs are the parts that manage the day to day running of things.  For me that has to include who deals with the constant flashbacks of horror and disturbing associations in every day objects and activities.  I haven't read or reviewed any of the reading on ANPs and ritual abuse victims recently, I'm trying to work with my therapist mostly and notice who is around with us rather than delving in to other people's research.  Due to the holidays I have two weeks until there is any more appointments though, my brain will probably be pretty different by then anyway.  Sure its b...

I think it was my child therapist who first described DID to me when I was about 14/15.  When she talked about the chronic depression of the Apparently Normal Personalities becomes they are so disconnected from the Emotional Personalities, from the body, from everything my eyes must of lit up and jaw dropped.  It was truth, bloody truth.  From the NHS!  From another human being! Not in a setting that was very. very wrong!  To me! Whatever ANP was there to hear that has been behind a lot of the parts since then are recognisable as me.  It was an exit sign, I couldn't always see it or know if it was possible head in its direction but I'd still seen it, it existed.  She never gave it as a formal diagnosis, she wasn't sure that police getting involved in whatever was going on at home would help, she didn't have any confidence in her colleagues in psychiatry either. The other day my current therapist talked in terms of being David a...

Last night I thought about attempting a coherent, well structured satanic shrinks piece but I can't be arsed.  I've been engaging on and off with NHS services for 20 years.  I talk about incest and am questioned about my sexual fantasies and relationships regardless of how old I am.  Before he left the Psychiatrist who gave me the Persistent Delusional Disorder diagnosis 3 years ago said he wasn't as confident in it as he was but because I said cannabis use made by memories clearer, easier to manage he wouldn't change the diagnosis.  I asked him if there was lots of research about cannabis and DID and if there was had he read it, he shrugged, looked away.  He said he if was true there was no way I could of gotten out which helped me understand how I got out, they just cant see me..  His English was good but his accent is strong, like me I guess and sometimes I wan't sure if he wasn't answering a question because he didn't...

Quotes from report for ESA appeal.. "There is identity confusion even involving her sexuality as she reports her first voluntary relationship in her teenage years was with another girl and this was sexual" "She always gives an elaborate and sometimes complicated past history of alleged sexual abuse with some disturbing details but typically does not appear disturbed or distressed whatsoever and has told me that the reason is because she has repeated the stories over and over several times, and used to it at this stage. "Diagnosis - 1. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder which among other symptoms explains her possible variable mood, history of deliberate self-harming behavior, chronic feeling of emptiness, identity disturbance and possible dissociative like state particularly under stress. 2. She had also attached in her notes a diagnosis of Persistent Delusional Disorder due to the non-bizarre nature of the alleged strings of sexual abuse which altho...

Wee man's wee facial injury has been causing me a whole heap of anxiety and some specific flashbacks.  Being held down in my bedroom while someone hit my front teeth with a hammer.  Very calculated blow enough to cause lots of pain and bit of bleeding but not shatter them. It was my family and Savile related but I can't remember exactly who was there. I had no chance of of not being aggravated even if I had tried.  I had an at school alter who knew she could never wonder why she felt so awful or where she was in pain and never to try and do anything about it.  I bit into something at lunch, twix or something and ended up crumpled head head down weeping in agony in front of a packed dinner hall. There was another time a lot more complex tripping me up, again in my bedroom with my hands tied behind my back so my mouth would hit something carefully placed before me.  Given instructions on how I had to fall, that time was with Scottish Ritual Abuse type...

I think I might give the blog a rest for a while, I need to take a step back to figure out where I want to take this.  I need to focus on integrating, getting fitter and therapy.  I need to figure out what I want to do here. We are about to start spending some time talking about current thinking on DID so I also need to start trying think of ways to articulate what I mean when I use the term 'mind control'.  I've given her an outline of where I'm at regarding abuse growing up during the eighties and explained a bit working back from contacting her last year but there's a big chunk called the 90s that I'm not remotely ready to think chat or write about.  Ian Watkin's arrest has started that process off, in terms of me remembering who I am anyway and hopefully in uncovering the networks.  Savile's death and the scandals afterwards have made it possible to fill in some of the long term every day blanks in my memory without some...