March 02, 2013

not exactly court ready..(yet)

I think I might give the blog a rest for a while, I need to take a step back to figure out where I want to take this.  I need to focus on integrating, getting fitter and therapy.  I need to figure out what I want to do here.

We are about to start spending some time talking about current thinking on DID so I also need to start trying think of ways to articulate what I mean when I use the term 'mind control'.  I've given her an outline of where I'm at regarding abuse growing up during the eighties and explained a bit working back from contacting her last year but there's a big chunk called the 90s that I'm not remotely ready to think chat or write about.  Ian Watkin's arrest has started that process off, in terms of me remembering who I am anyway and hopefully in uncovering the networks.  Savile's death and the scandals afterwards have made it possible to fill in some of the long term every day blanks in my memory without some psychological or other trauma putting me back further.

So where are we at? I've made a formal statement that was witnessed by two others that alleges Savile was involved in ritualised rape and murder through out the 80's and 90's.  I know this because I was a 'favourite'. I had a lot of experience in being raped and being filmed being raped and add enough dissociated states, personalities and talents to titillate any taste.  There were murders but there was also a lot of psychological and mental manipulation into making children believe murders had happened when they didn't and confusing them about they witnessed when they had.  I did witness murders in Jersey & other places.  Savile was involved in organising abuse in places like the Elm Guest House and the cover ups.  He sought out connections and power over others by any means to gain more access to vulnerable children and protect his activities.  He was incredibly business like when it came to arranging posh dinners, charity activities as well the sexual exploitation and initiations that would happen afterwards.  He offered me for sex at places where he worked and to people he is publicly known to have associated with and I saw some of these people many times over many years.  I would be told I was in a relationship with men who were involved in taking me to places, drugging me and selling me for sex and all sorts of pornography. It started when I was pre verbal and the last time I saw him was when I was 25 and it was still going on then.

I said a while back that I didn't remember Savile having much of a sophisticated understanding of programming but couldn't say that know.  When he felt like he had to his mix or rape, torture and psychological abuse seemed to destroy absolutely anyone. They sent intelligence agents to him to toughen them up but stopped after the agents all went mental afterwards.  I didn't put that last bit in the statement.  The stuff I said about seeing less of him in the 90s - not like I've been thinking either. It just changed when I hit puberty.

What happens next depends on what if anything the police get about my previous contact with them.


  1. Daffs (as i have affectionately started calling you in my head)

    Spent most of yesterday reading almost your entire blog. Its wonderful. Touching, saddening, maddening and always makes me want to get stoned. I am just starting out campaigning, but have been reading and researching for a long time. Your blog has filled some gaps in my knowledge and opened up whole other lines of thought and enquiry. I thank you for this and thank you for being you and being strong and still being here wanting to expose these shits. I would love to have a chat and a doob with you sometime, maybe you will be about on the 21st of April? We are starting a march symbolically from Wrexham to Downing Street to highlight abuse at the many homes along the way.


  2. Cheers Jamie!

    Its reassuring to me that you are researching and I would love to have a doob and a chat. It gets very frustrating knowing that how much I remember and how well I can articulate it is massively effected by how people respond to me and the sort of questions they ask. No wonder I go quiet and vague when I'm outnumbered in a room with professional people who look, talk and move like people who abused me in the past and are looking at me accusingly!

    Its tuff having no one to talk to about it who doesn't have to listen to me because its there job.. Although I have been making more of an effort to make friends its not an easy thing to chat with the other mums..

    The march sounds great! But I'm skint and the schools are back up here by the 21st. For what its worth though I love traveling with the wee man and we will be there at another one! :)

    Daffs. x