..dear reader..

Bertie isnt a rapist (or at least not like that) we've worked together on off since the eighties and they had him driving kids across Europe. Elaine was a horrific abuser/murdered involved in trafficking networks the whole time including the McCanns, Laura was murdered but was an abuser to, Scuff and Lugs's three sons are also long term victims of the networks the sons's being mine and Scuff being Ben Needham. The police are a fucking mess, or at least they are now hopefully instead of being entirely run by and for the networks, ditto organised crime. Mr Lyn informed us that he was indeed interested in taking some of the bastards down with him. Steff despite numerous opportunities over the decades has refused to stop working with the wrong kind of police and the wrong kind of OC.. Obvs there is a lot lot more but we are exhausted, terrified of more programming and for the boys and generally feeling flattened by all the trauma and emotions we have had to keep at a...

Wonder how long it will take to deal with all this Elaine, Scuff, Bertie etc trauma, if there will be any more and how well we will be able to fight when they or someone else tries something. Utterly floored by it all today. Bastards. Feels like they will get their way as far as our weed guy goes but we have thought that before and he has talked us round. Wish we could talk to him but we are not going to breakdown and say it's them or us.  Fucking hate it of course but it's about the health and safety of us and wee man so we need to get it together as best we can. We can't go back to some amnesiac place where we have no idea what a knock at the door might actually mean.  Know there are plenty keeping an eye out for us but that doesn't help with the isolation or the self esteem.  Know what some want us to do about it to but unless they come here for us we are not doing it. We wish we had been able to stop everything that happened to us and the wee man but we weren't ...

Hello. So much from the last couple of years has exposed itself. Bertie really is a grooming raping bastard as we may of mentioned before. Ferris associate and the worst of the police, intel traffickers etc. it's not new new stuff though.. Nothing from living in this house. When he admited stuff from when we were young we didn't even care. We know it must of started young because of how wierd we get around him. Not ourselves. Amnesiac. Guess you need a bloke to do your hovering before you can properly come to terms with how often he has been involved in ruining our and others lifes.  Yep lots of stuff about the last couple of years most of which we don't feel up for blogging or talking about with T.  Yes I am concerned that I let someone into my house who is deeply involved in abuse networks, who has raped before and now knows everything about where me, junior & the cuzs often sleep.. But we do feel awake and present enough without the extreme anxiety know that we know ...

Its not the same, we are not in the same misery and we seem to be more connected and comfortable with each other other. The pain hasn't been as unbearable as often. The images, the mini flashbacks and body memories that are not as constant or intrusive as they were and not hitting as hard when they do. Its been tough, really tough at times over the last week or so in particular. In terms of the DID we have been parts and heard voices that we haven't known for a while. Not all release and processing either there's been moments when it was really all about survival, there is aren't any more cuts but it was close one night. I think because this is one of the times when we got some recognition and help from outside that there is some sense of closure. We can tell because a whole bunch of different stuff has been unravelling and it's making us think and feel in ways that are so unconnected with the agony and violence that they were impossible  a long time. Completely ...

Co consciousness is shit sometimes. We don't mind that we are unlikely to wake and discover cuts but we are so stuck together we just keep seeing and feeling, the rape from 'Dad' and his attempts to comfort us at other times, red babies with purple & white ambilucal cords.  Keep feeling that need to keep them safe that was way out of our control. The more we loved them the more abusers  choose them for whatever they more they could see we needed them the less chance they had of being allowed to live. To make cold robot people no affection or compassion was allowed. We will mourn forever. There is nothing else we can do. People don't deal with these things they put then to the back of their heads and keep busy.  But the back of my head was already well filled up with horrific things long before we hit puberty. We can't not love the babies and show them humans are not all horrible. We had to so we could have hope for ourselves and the world but we lost. Most abuse...