June 10, 2015

Co consciousness DID

Co consciousness is shit sometimes. We don't mind that we are unlikely to wake and discover cuts but we are so stuck together we just keep seeing and feeling, the rape from 'Dad' and his attempts to comfort us at other times, red babies with purple & white ambilucal cords.  Keep feeling that need to keep them safe that was way out of our control. The more we loved them the more abusers  choose them for whatever they more they could see we needed them the less chance they had of being allowed to live. To make cold robot people no affection or compassion was allowed.

We will mourn forever. There is nothing else we can do. People don't deal with these things they put then to the back of their heads and keep busy.  But the back of my head was already well filled up with horrific things long before we hit puberty. We can't not love the babies and show them humans are not all horrible. We had to so we could have hope for ourselves and the world but we lost. Most abusers are exactly where they want to be and beyond being dead we are exactly where they want us to be to.

Resenting the pills, sick of gabapentin. I say as I take another. It feels like as long as we live in a world where people think if other people are lost causes we will not let go off the murdered ones. We know it's what some abusers told us to feel but we feel that way anyway. We know that we are making ourself a 'lost cause' by not being able to move forward. 

But in a world where such things can happen, by so many people over so many years it's so hard to not feel like it doesn't matter what we can or can't do, what we have and haven't done it's the world that's the lost cause. 

I'm so scared off remembering and I'm scared off whatever is planned for us next and I'm scared of the way we are programmed and of how much we get caught up & dragged down by it everyday.