June 13, 2015

It does change.

Its not the same, we are not in the same misery and we seem to be more connected and comfortable with each other other. The pain hasn't been as unbearable as often. The images, the mini flashbacks and body memories that are not as constant or intrusive as they were and not hitting as hard when they do. Its been tough, really tough at times over the last week or so in particular. In terms of the DID we have been parts and heard voices that we haven't known for a while. Not all release and processing either there's been moments when it was really all about survival, there is aren't any more cuts but it was close one night. I think because this is one of the times when we got some recognition and help from outside that there is some sense of closure.

We can tell because a whole bunch of different stuff has been unravelling and it's making us think and feel in ways that are so unconnected with the agony and violence that they were impossible  a long time. Completely new in some cases.

Everything has felt so strange, so horrible for so long, beyond what we can cope with or medicate away. We reached out, as therapist says that's a good thing and as a result we have a much cleaner house but in return we got a lengthy insensitive lecture from one person and so much insensitivity later from someone else we became so triggered we completely lost sense of time and place and was back in the freezing cold and dark of the eighties. We said something, don't know what and I'm glad I dont, it was some sort of question to someone about some abuser order or expectation. We are still going cold thinking about it. We don't want to go back there but I don't think we got the me out either. Jersey, someone keeps saying.

Therapist helped a lot, she has never seen us cry so much. We talked a lot about mourning and how/if any of the things people do for more everyday deaths and loss can be used to help us. That reminded us of buying the rose bush and other things we could do with our garden. We know we need something external, to do something that will last and that other people can see. She encouraged us not hold on too tightly to the idea of counting them all and that feels right this now. It all feels real enough, we have lost the guilt that comes with not remembering or rejecting truth but what has replaced it not for us to give much specifics on tonight.

We have been struggling and so vulnerable for so long now, seeing and being with them from the late 80's onwards, some unknown date when ovulation first happened to now we have either been pregnant or under the threat of it and all that sickest across the globe could think to do with a pregnant invisible with DID. Obvs we feel safer now or this wouldnt be being typed without shaking hands and searing pain.

Physically we are exhausted, really exhausted we need to find a way to make it easier now, so she talked about containers which worked well during the worst of it later on that night. She also suggested kind of hesitantly, that maybe some kind of magical thinking would be good for the littles.. guess that gave us some kind of permission, some validation from a good person that it was ok to see them in fairies or nature, to let our imagination do whatever it needs to do find a way to thrive and to celebrate them.

Must seen so grim from the outside 'celebrating' such short, horrific lives but they were beautiful unique souls that cant ever be brought back or copied and we need move on from the devastation stage.  From regularly returning to the devastation stage. The cant eat, cant see a point to existence, life in an abyss stage.  Therapist was so good at not glossing over how long it will take to feel better about so much loss and pain. We need to feel grounded but need something positive to be part of that ground and she is amazing at that. Many of us have always been so keen to find something good and to pull the rest of us away from things that hurt us and we know are being to trust them and will find someone else who will help us build a safe space that is strong enough to hold the worst of it all.

Part of her job is to get us to a place where its possible for other positive relationships to happen and its terrifying us that it seems to be working. With the dust settling in the fatigue after the emotional and mental turmoil recently it feels like we could reach out and touch it, something very real and unlike what's been allowed or forced on us before. What it will have to wait until we have gathered ourself a bit more and had the space we need from whatever the hell that was. Something else from the session that is comforting was her emphasis on empathy and the way she kept showing us when showed it. Its good to be in an environment when having some or even lots doesnt have to be a dirty secret or serious liability. It gives us hope.

Lay in the sun today, getting all brown and bubbling with excited parts so relieved to be alive and upfront and not crippled and our garden.

Take over Summer,  when its needed. We think we probably have the 'No's covered now but we are going to need you for any 'Yes's..