Ouch

-

We're doing well.. Although we did forget again that Pabs  doesn't like gammon.. And its Friday the benefits go in of course not today or tomorrow which is a bummer cause wee have one nip of brandy left and not much milk and of course no crappy hash to help us manage the loneliness. Need to try and get a decent lump on Friday, another New Year with no one to hug but one ten year old who we were forced to carry and keep after making it impossible for me to keep every other child the forced us to have so the fascists and the capitalists can use him to manipulate us is kinda crappy.

Got on to him about his attitude a few times today. We found the first "actually mummy" kinda cute but that was years and years ago and the older he gets the more the way he speaks to me upsets and angers us. Getting him to do a little but here and there to help us but getting a kid whose routine involves bugger all chores to start doing some is work as well.

We can feel ourself searching for contact, scanning for signs of hope don't think we have found much yet as our mood is dropping. Think tomorrow will be tricky.  Hope we don't get too snappy with the lad, its not his fault he was made to be a weapon against his mums. Not much feels real but hate and slavery but we watched some movies with the lad and knew they would get to us. Big Hero Six and Home Alone. Hate it when we loose all outer skins to watching films with the lad. Our littles get quite distraught about Pabs  being brought up to remember and know nothing about who and what I am and the real nature of the entertainment industry and our relationship to it. The rest of us do our best to stay dissociated or mindful.

..Can we phone home yet without them tracing the call to destroy or enslave anything that loves us?.. I'm not sure we can remember how to from here. Its terrifying. We don't want to wait for an emergency or life in danger type situation to trigger reality over programming but after so many years here of being flatlined or having to pretend we have been flatlined we can't get in touch with our usness. Its so fucking cruel all this.

We do love having the house all decorated though and its so cool that so many Christmas songs make us smile and feel better despite everything.

Popular posts from this blog

Letter to Savile Investigations.

-
There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...
Read more

Wimping out because of pain

-
Wee man not in nursery, the ibuprofen wasn't working. Feel guilty now. He's been a nightmare recently about nursery. He's happy when I pick him up but resists most of the way there. As for the essay, it might even be a fail. Not that bothered, I've the time now literature is over and the next module, is 'Minds and Bodies', Descartes, bring it on. Think I should give my self a break from the structured stuff and just read and write about whatever I want. Use here more, tackle the old notes. No forces by big square brain into round holes. Feeling better now though, might even put the washing out, or at least out of the washing machine anyway. The more I think about the more justified I feel in attempting to claim disability. With the lawyer dudes help I will have a chance, certainly didn't on that form on my own. How many depressed people are able to be truely honest about how it effects their day to day living? As with the compensation claim ...
Read more

Watered and fed the Roses

-
Image
 We couldnt leave the flat this time last year. Couldn't even make it to the bins sometimes. Think I remember a post about the total dread experienced when May turned to June. Not so this year. Was a bit worried We would feel something close to that awfulness, that triggered terror on the day of the coronation that Tesco and the met office kindly told us about but nothing like it. Jesus those late last year posts acting like we were getting out fucking telling Junior we might be going home and 'twin'? wtf.   Unfortunately, ended up in the garden the same time as the downstairs horror story and knew she was going to say something there was no way she wasn't going to mention it. She asked if We watched it I said 'Nah' pointlessly hoping that would be the end of it. She started talking about how 'wonderful' it was and we stuck up for ourself and all that is decent everywhere by saying it's 'a bit ridiculous for a modern country'. She started som...
Read more