Big littles and little bigs
It hits like nicotine cravings during the worst of the withdrawal. This isnt safe, no one is ever going to take care of me here, need hugs. Over and over. Its tiring and painful so we do what we can to feel comfortable and sleep or even enjoy a distraction but we know it will hit again the moment we wake. There has been moments recently though when we are the girl swearing she would get out that room and away from those people and from being put through such horrible extremes and know she has. They said I couldn’t because I am alone. They didnt think it was possible for anyone to do anything alone never mind a breeder after everything that is done to them and everything institutionally in place to keep us down and out to clinging by our fingers. We where forced to spend lots of time with pthrt girls who never had any help and when they were training them to be like us we were watching them for how to apear us ruined as they were. It spoke to prejudices everywhere. Comforted and encouraged confidence in the worst and made us invisible.
We dont care about being invisible anymore because we don’t need it to stay alive and gather everything we needed to gather and get it where it needed to go. It must of been a ridiculous amount of work for us to still be breathing and remembering and processing.
To push ourself a little further because that’s what got us here and makes us feel better, in the early to mid nineties the Scottish woman police ring were part of trying to set up the memories of mass murder, maimings of children, gang rapes etc in our mind so that they could control over over the trauma amnesia so we would feel constantly devastated would easily dissociate so they could trigger it all to come back at once and make us unable to defend ourself. We kept an image of about 10 - 15 adults in death convulsions and used its memory as all they could trigger because we all knew it represented much more. It was just the top of a pile of memories samiliar or worse. They kept searching for talkers in us that didn’t know but never got any better than those of us who are willing to pretend. You could set up different rings of “programmers” to undo each others work. They had taken out so much that hurt us as well as everyone who didn’t. The numbers? Over the 80s to 90s in the UK alone .. our current mind and flesh says probs 100,000s.
We dont care about being invisible anymore because we don’t need it to stay alive and gather everything we needed to gather and get it where it needed to go. It must of been a ridiculous amount of work for us to still be breathing and remembering and processing.
To push ourself a little further because that’s what got us here and makes us feel better, in the early to mid nineties the Scottish woman police ring were part of trying to set up the memories of mass murder, maimings of children, gang rapes etc in our mind so that they could control over over the trauma amnesia so we would feel constantly devastated would easily dissociate so they could trigger it all to come back at once and make us unable to defend ourself. We kept an image of about 10 - 15 adults in death convulsions and used its memory as all they could trigger because we all knew it represented much more. It was just the top of a pile of memories samiliar or worse. They kept searching for talkers in us that didn’t know but never got any better than those of us who are willing to pretend. You could set up different rings of “programmers” to undo each others work. They had taken out so much that hurt us as well as everyone who didn’t. The numbers? Over the 80s to 90s in the UK alone .. our current mind and flesh says probs 100,000s.
