..dear reader..

Seriously. 'Freakshow' and its creepy cool animated intro was fairly excellent. We are always a fan of bio diversity on the telly and some kind of justice being achieved at the end of a long story. Even if some of it was props and effects bio diversity, not all of it was. So good to see more of Pepper and her story. Wiemar and snuff...And the songs, the Bowie was something else but the 'Come as you are' fucking amazing. The stuff about upper classes and inbreeding and psychopaths, 'Jack the ripper was a Winsor..' Science attitudes to unusual bodies and the trade in exhibits seen through the eyes of the loved ones.. More exposure of how 'normal' people commit horrific crimes and how easily it can be pinned on those that are different that was a big theme Asylum. Bates (not Burke) as a bearded lady and heaps of other actors we were already a fan of or certainly am now.  Some seriously cathartic and life affirming stuff.  No regrets about skipping the po...

Its not just that we picked up the codine today after a few days with none, we have been thinking, feeling it. More usy. But now without the achey joints. Cept for our wrist that's been a pain, seriously clicky, feeling like it needs to click but when it does it doesn't feel any better. And our knees because we have been failing at keeping up with the exercises. In the past increasing feelings of usness is usually a precursor to battling, winning then communication both internal and external. Then of course too much horror and triggers of past horror, exhaustion, injuries, damage, then just pain, all kinds of pains, all the time. Is it going to be different this time? Dunno. Not present enough to answer that for ourself and probably wouldn't want to share it if we could. So many bullshit patterns, for survival, because we were forced or because situations required it but thinking that there is a chance that it is different now, different enough anyway isn't followed ...

We've been immersed in Glee, in season three now. Have noticed a few times how we can be amused by school dramas, we remember not feeling the enslavement so much probably because we weren't we were too busy, the worst of the genocide was over and we were too supported, too special, had too many resources and were too successful. When it comes to the late teens though, the uni, work, relationship options often played out with parents still parenting.. We must of gotten captured and not just for a little while but for the long term, never rescued, still not free, still annihilated by dissociation with no means to get better and stay better. Not physically chained and kept incapacitated but not safe and making my own decisions or speaking to people to love me and fight for me and against the genocide. When we remember him, we feel guilty about 'forgetting' then terrified that remembering his existence is part of coming to terms with him never coming back. Then we just f...

Last night was nice, drinking pink wine, toasting marshmallows, playing cards and chatting. Today, not so good. Arm pit infection the worst we have had for a while, was using roll on deodorant for a while may of been a factor. It did burst today but we've been so tired and weepy, a bit shaky a times as well. Might of forgotten to add the arm pit and other places nasties on the PIP form when it comes in but not now. Quite ug of course having to fill out another 'how you condition effects you in as much detail as possible' form, hey maybe we will end up with more than we are currently getting for DLA.. Would much rather not be put through it again, we have just gotten out of dread of being subjected to a face to face assessment and the state it would leave us in. Got really shit at taking our inhalers in last few months and that of course has caught up with us, tired, out of breath easily, wheezy.. Stunning weather today to but did drag the kid out yesterday and it wa...

He's all inward smiles and chuffed looking, we can feel his relief that we are here but there is something else to, something closer to positive expectation. We cant think what the hell that could be about. We sit down on the couch opposite him and give him an inquisitive look. 'Happy birthday.' Eh? Today isn't our birthday, our birthday is .. oh yeah... fuck.. The two of us in a shack I had started then when he ran away as well and joined us he helped improve and maintain it a lot. Everything was so much easier when there is more than one body trying to do all the work, emotionally though it made for a completely different world, there was real comfort, laughter and fun. Think was rainy day when we were inside safe and mostly dry talking about not knowing when our birthdays were and wishing we did. Think it was me who said we could make one up, it wasn't like most of the kids we knew we eating cake, being taken on trips, getting presents and having parties o...