Ask me. (Raindows, hearts, flowers and burying cunts in the woods)

We dreaded the question, having to watch you try and hold yourself together and figure out how to deal with whatever version of Us had come to you this time.  Other times though we wouldn't care how far or how dangerous it was we had to see you so you could ask if we remembered and we could show you We did.

We cut back the back garden and have paid Junior to make a start on the front. Everything got neglected from about August last year so I put down some rose food. A early start to spending happy hours looking at seeds, plants and garden furniture on Amazon, over spending, doodling ideas and day dreaming about keeping up with the work and creating fabulous idyllic results. Amongst this years over spending there is mini sturdy propagators (with mini tools!), decent gardening gloves (they are size small but fit Junior so not too bothered they are a bit baggy on us). Not here get is a mini greenhouse as this year I am actually planning on how having spaces where seedlings can adjust from inside to outside instead of not knowing what the fuck to do with all and where the hell put them.

We got some artificial day light we will use on stuff to. Thinking the artificial day light has helped a fair bit this winter I hope we managed to use it on us next autumn. Will use the same artificial day light on little green house plant babies longer next time as the current girls are shriveling a bit in their lovely new home. Hoping that you turn up when the cupboard isn't bare but they are still brief intervals. And as is this me alone, in February, the twentysomethings..

Unless some crisis forced it, we would remember when we felt safe, warm, happy anything positive. We would wonder if it was possible to never forgot but that meant either not losing contact or being out of the abuse and they just seemed like the same thing anyway. It wasn't just pain and fear that kept us from remembering there was really importance stuff going on the believed in but we had to find ways to keep a hold of that or we would spiral.

I'm not sorry I started it. I had agreed to fighting for love, committed to it and I knew that if I didn't do something, start something that was positive for me it wouldn't be long until I lost the abilities to think about what I needed and wanted and what was possible, to make decisions and stick to them. We had been noticing each other being alive when surrounded by rape and hate machines. I knew that there was too much the same the way gender and sex were treated by the rest of the world where babies were registered and cared for as by the snuff, porn, trafficking networks that had us. If I waited to start a sexual relationship at an age appropriate to that same outside world it be to late for us. It wouldn't be a relationship between two growing people it would be between a man and a woman or a woman and us who can't separate the female body from brutal violent subjugation and enslavement.. That could never work.

I think Toby was alive when it started but I may of been already trying to live for us both and not for him.  When he was old enough to know something of what they meant when they told him they were going to kill him and he asked me what would happen after he died We had said that it meant we will be together forever. I did it because of him. Not to distract from his existence but to find away to make life worth living enough to accept it. I wasn't ready to give up and I knew you don't protect yourself from things very well if you are committed to pretending they have not already happened. 

The only real thing that stopped me wanting to do it was I knew I had no privacy and that I usually didn't exactly who was listening or watching at any given time. That gave me more reasons to think it had to be then when we were both well underage. Any older and it couldn't of gone through with it while knowing other might people would see us, record us. Horrible people. 

Of course being human now that no longer feel that I am completely alienated from myself and have been for around three decades its now something more real about the first ten I need to know now. I am of course distracting myself from pretty much only thinking about Marry Me Andy and watching some of the blanks start taking forms and I feel grounded, confident even. Happy.

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