January 14, 2012

First - more tea

Saturday morning bliss.
The thick socks I bought myself for xmas, supplies in.
Brew made and junior (bless every perfect aspect
and direction in his precious body
and gentle and lionlike soul) is elsewhere.

Wrote about murder, not of a baby or child. Someone who was registered. With family, with history. I dont feel much in the way of fear or regret about it, I'm sure it will come though. I just feel a little bit more like a human being, a little more like I am part of my own body and mind more than my past.

I was imagining I was trying to explain something to someone in a pub. When I didn't have the luxery of not being to remember. When I had to give people answers. Not because I was tortured into it but people needed answers. They needed alternative explanations about all the shit that was going on had gone on the wasn't based on manipulating them to an agenda that did not and would never have their best interests as a priority. Even if most of the time all I could do was mutter broken memories in loud clubs or scream the half names on deaf ears before seizures followed by that flashbacks that went earth quackes and tsunamis through me. Left crumpled and gasping on floors that were sometimes sticky, sometimes polished or bleached.

Torture rarely worked on me anyway, it just made me unconscious, incoherent, or broke my mind. It does that to most people I think. There is far too much acceptance and glorification of state sanctioned murder and torture in the West. People think because we don't live in openly vicious dictatorship it's ok. They think of James Bond and his lot jet setting around the world murdering people and interfering with other countries internal affairs. He cant possibly be a bady. He's white and educated. Look at him, he's proctecting us folks from the nasty stuff we are to vunrable and dumb to protect ourselves from. Besides he looks amazing in that bonny suit with his nifty government issue fire arm and bank account.

I'm a British citizen who was tortured at Thames House and other locations by people who I believe to be by MI5 officers and others employed by employees of Government Secret Servives. This began when I was a minor. I know of many other who have similiar experiences. I have spoken about this to Women's Aid Workers, police and social workers of varyess ranks and specialties, members of the press, health professionals such as psychologists, psychotherapists, GP's and nurses. I have also talked of aspects of what has happened to me to family members, aquanitances, friends, lovers, civil servants who administer benefits,people over the internet and in pubs.

I feel much better now, thanks everyone. Collectivily you become something close to making me feel better about it all.