March 07, 2011

rembering the word 'delusional'

Doing a bit of general research on the new med risperidone, very general. My brain has enough conspiracy theories and reality backed paranoias to ever spend much time messin about on the web. Quite impressed with myself for eventulay going for it, I even have one of those pill boxes with a space for each day of the week but I'm drawing the line at the ones with spaces for morn,noon, and night though. I have a lifestyle that makes medications a real option. I have enough stability to make me confident I play the active roll thats essential if any kind of treament is going to have positive effects. They are not mind readers, they have no idea what its like to be me. Enough health care professional over the years have admited very openly how much individuals and systems have failed me for me to have some sort of trust. They are not all organised against me, but a couple of them were involved in abuse and it would be delusional of me to think otherwise.

Another delusion lifted is the belief that I can take wee man to the morning nursing slot a mile away in the morning and function in the afternoon..

Wish I started taking it before commiting to the philosophy course along with the literature... wing it, its about fun not tieing myself to an academic stretcher and cranking the wheels.

Sleep good last night for the first time in ages, except when dude came through covered in poop. I think little things like taking the bins out first thing might make a big differnece to sleeping at night. A more reasonable proposition than walking 4 miles before noon..

Memories have been a bit Sam and Morag based. How I used to go to school and would watch her thinking she was so perfect and so sexually unavaiable when and Mo were strangling me as they raped. I keep seeing people just sitting next to my bed looking at me in that realy deep hate look that the accesories and oppurtunists often had. I cant tell what else was going but there doesn't seem to me any movement going on, absolutly no idea of what if anything I was feeling.

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