..dear reader..

Whenever I think I'm beyond a certain dream it returns as if I've done nothing since it started. London/Glasgow a big city, that will be the world I want to be part of, myself. I lost my phone and my luggage and missed the train home because I forgot to check the time it was leaving. Lost of people comfortable and competent and me staring at cakes in windows, not sure if I can afford them, not sure I'm allowed them. Grim. There's been shopping dreams recently I think, when I'm tripping around with an entourage, serious and focused but ultimately alone. Sitting a tables while people buy and sell my time, my flesh, my brain. It's not something I forgive easy.

erbacce can crawl up their own four letter words. Taking themselves a bit too seriously there. Poetry in the electronic age is as awkward and as beautiful as the work it's self. Nothing can be gained by being snobby about the difficulties caused by communicating across different levels of literacy and access to technology. All the work I saw didn't go much further than exploring the meaning of the word 'fuck', valid, but you need more; anyone who has been slapped more than once can do that. Especially if you can't be arsed pressing the Fwd button; twats.

It's back, pre premenstrual ouchies. Like my womb is trying to get rid of it's self. A burning tightness, that spreads to my thighs, heart and boobs making me slow, tearful and irritable. Bless you pinksofa though, it's brought heaps of smiles recently. Still feel a bit of a fraud though, cause I looked up a bloke on bebo yesterday, first glance and I was all chuffed, not interested. But now I keep seeing his face, and remembering that electric touch. I am a confirmed fag hag. I always need to have someone I'm thinking about all the time, it's a survival thing. I might never get over it but that's okay there are worse things and people to obsess over. I wonder it's connected to the pain, H would of thought so. He also believed me and psychosomatic pain were a little too intimate and I couldn't disagree. Might get some help from dreams if I could be arsed remembering them. There was something about someone looking for the corkscrew, 'magic w...

It was a nice enough evening but too cold to stand about so I went for a walk, thinking the exercise might help me sleep better. On the way home I passed the local and went in, why not? Might as well replace the calories burned of by walking. There was to my surprise a vaguely interesting man in talking about watching the dolphins in the bay. He was quite drunk and wanted to exchange numbers, which is fair enough. Grabbing me outside for a kiss however, wasn't. I am not any less confused, the whole sex, dating, attraction shit completely mystifies me. I look at youngish blokes a lot, they often look strangely familiar but when they start making moves, I like the validation but also feel uneasy, like he's got me confused with someone very, very different. I txted him this morning to say thanks for the Guinness and to give me phone if he's around. If he phones back I will lay it on the line. I am very confused at the moment so keep your hands to yourself. The bar ...

I was quite drunk, walking down steps in heels carrying a bag with my overnight stuff. Some of the women were standing smoking and talking at the bottom of the steps. It was sunny. One of them noticed my condition and offered her hand. 'Thank you.' 'Your very welcome.' 'Good night.' 'Good night.' I think I heard one of them say she couldn't believe I'd gone home without getting off with anyone. I think the one who offered her said she thought that was probably why I was leaving. I saw her watching as shook hands and hugged goodbye with others inside. I really was quite, quite drunk. There was a warmth, a closeness, a strength. Whatever I am, I love butch women. Mum didn't seem to happy when I asked if my sister had any plans to deal with her drinking. She can't go on like that forever. I just keep thinking of the wee ones, looking at there mum in that state. The glazed eyes, to total lack of awareness of whats going on around her...

91% I was hoping for 92% bastards.. The 1 is looking a bit tricky but I am well proud, I've read the feedback twice but still struggle to focus. It takes a lot out of me but its stuff that I can't use for anything else and just gets in the way. Keep going, enter the competitions. A social life would be lovely but I'm not going to get 91% if graded on that.. It's the commentary that's being a bitch, it always is. I will have to include references to new feedback in it. but first I have to sober up and figure out what the fuck he is going on about. Hail sunshine! Hail words! x

The temperature has doubled, the air is like fresh soup and everything rust coloured is jade. Last night there was storms, close thunder shaking everything to its core. Rain battering down like a power shower. Today is supposed to be hot, working on my tan is top priority. My sisters family stayed last night. She's hitting the grog a bit too much again. The rest of the family did the rational thing and got drunk. I sat sipping Rose, spliffing up and muttering about 'support' 'get information'. Then went in the shower, brushed my teeth for ten minutes, read up on grammar and went to sleep. It all started a bit early today though, everyone small or female out of bed my 7am. I held on but when the tub of chocolate sprinkles was added to my relatively clean bedding I had to give in and get up. It's looking lovely outside, I love a good May, snow, hail, sunburn, ripe fragrant air, proper thunder. Still no result yet ffs. Final assignment is coming a long ...