May 29, 2010

FUCK

It's back, pre premenstrual ouchies. Like my womb is trying to get rid of it's self.
A burning tightness, that spreads to my thighs, heart and boobs making me slow, tearful and irritable. Bless you pinksofa though, it's brought heaps of smiles recently. Still feel a bit of a fraud though, cause I looked up a bloke on bebo yesterday, first glance and I was all chuffed, not interested. But now I keep seeing his face, and remembering that electric touch. I am a confirmed fag hag. I always need to have someone I'm thinking about all the time, it's a survival thing. I might never get over it but that's okay there are worse things and people to obsess over.

I wonder it's connected to the pain, H would of thought so. He also believed me and psychosomatic pain were a little too intimate and I couldn't disagree. Might get some help from dreams if I could be arsed remembering them. There was something about someone looking for the corkscrew, 'magic willie man' as he's called. A miniature of the statue of the boy peeing, it used to scare me as a kid for obvious reasons. No wonder I'm terrified of sex.. thinking little boys had pointy, twisted penises that could take a cork out a bottle.

The advice was generally to rest, if that's what I want to do. Which might piss mum and dad as there have to care for River, feed him, dress him, talk to him, hug him I can manage that. The park might have to wait for another day...

Struggling with his grandad a bit recently and his gran. The usual gap between making a decision and making it real I have no bloody patience. I keep thinking about switching on and off my own light switches, having a kitchen thats mine all mine, and a bathroom. It will take a while for the novelty to wear off.

I'm certain again, but don't need to tell anyone and everyone face to face.

They bloody did.