..dear reader..

By christ its been awful.  Poor beautiful 12.  Not as awful as it was when it was ongoing but still seriously awful.  Those bastards emaciated me and loads of people were involved, loads knew something or enough. They hurt bairns, outside bairns and not just mine, hurt them a lot and no one I told was able or willing to do enough to stop it.  Its probably been about a year since that particular system of seriously traumatised trafficked parts came forward so completely and so devastatingly and for so long.  Last time we had only just started seeing therapist and were pretty mute then too relieved when they went away again to want to trigger them back by talking about it much.  Surely next time its not gonna hit so hard we have all done a lot of work.  Basically gone from having words like 'DID' 'Rape' and horrible pictures floating around a mind that had little awareness of what it was to drawing system  maps.  Its been said before but it ca...

You can say, write or draw anything you want. Most of the triggers are deactivated so you will not be on your own with it ever again. The boy is grown up now and after Glasgow Tong can't pull us back into it all again. We coz too much bother no one wants anything to do with us! You don't have feel guilty for sharing what happened, yes its crippled us but it won't always be that way. We have an outside person who listens and believes us so we don't feel cut off from they whole world anymore like they told you you would always feel. Thank for being here, thank for hiding and for sharing but you don't have to disappear anymore. Please think about what you need and what you like, you will be heard and everyone will do what they can to make you less sore, less terrified and less alone. You are awesome.

Yuck. The Moyles, Dave and Chapters victim parts have been back pretty much full time again. 2001 was the worst, sometimes them and the dream team together. Lots of just the 3 of them. 'Penis or prolapse' always a favorite game in abuse networks. They took turns analy raping me for as long as it took. In the living room, the hall, the bathroom. When they got what they wanted they brought out another DID part put my hand behind my back and asked me to guess what I was holding. They would force me to do something on camera before I would be given painkillers or taken to hospital. Chappers espically seemed to get off on making me watch the footage on you tube or whatever porn site. I didn't get it how could making me watch it online be any worse?  There was always lots of games in that sort of abuse. They did it again months later but it was just Moyles flaccid penis that time I was very relieved then the other two started on me again. In hospital there was little parts c...

We've been neglecting you Daff.  We've also stopped watching the news and have been reading for pleasure.  Twitter is only really being accessed as a reminder that there are people out there working for truth. Now Summer is here now though. Real Summer. There's a lot going on internally as always but needs are being met and that can take a while to get used.  The walking wounded are all standing around bewildered and unsure how wounded they actually are.  Doors are starting to be left open and some are starting to notice. There is also much less of a sense that our existence needs to be known about, to be proved or it doesn't count and isn't 'real'.  We have somewhere to talk now so the issues feel so much less pressing.  Since we last posted there was a couple of drama therapy sessions, fairly regular talking therapy, another half hour session of finding out more about the inner life of my psychiatrist, the implantation of a sex hormone manipulating devic...

There has been some writing going on in the last few weeks and some ideas that would be great to develop but its extremely difficult to stay focused on anything long enough.  Have remembered why I started Daffodil Rites though and that was about taking advantage of whatever freedom of expression exists and about making some sort of public record of my actual existence.  Working with a therapist who is prepared to listen means I don't have to blurt stuff out here anymore.  The higher level of acceptance that 'I' is not one, means things are a bit of a happy mess.  How I managed to keep the body alive and functioning is by itself pretty mind boggling, how someone of us managed to fake a convincing intellectual point of view enough for a good passing grade for a secondary school essay never mind write enough of them for an 2:1 honors degree is quite frankly spectacular, even if it did take 15 years...  Have to admit that preparing coherent pieces of writing doesn'...

The current diagnosis from Super Shrink, we like much better than the 'Persistent Delusional Disorder' from the bloke who had spoken to us for half an hour and hadn't read any notes.         ...chronic history of childhood neglect, child and adult physical and sexual abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Personality Disorder, Attachment Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder manifest from early childhood experiences. Prior psychotherapy and medication appear to have encouraged little resistance to these issues.  This is reflective of the chronic nature of the sexual and physical abuse experienced by *** has a formal diagnosis [from NHS psychiatrist, she's a psychologist] of Emotionally Unstable Personality.  This is an enduring patter of inner experiences and behaviors that markedly deviate from the expectations of the individual's culture. [man that is so loaded! Suspect that a small amount of reading into "personality diso...

I came in from the sea all parts like Wollstonecraft's monster wearing your prejudices, a sheepskin over our wolves and vampyres. On all fours because we know its easier to take on your knees and ankles we were never that scared of McAlpine in his butcher's suit. All we ever needed was to be away.