May 01, 2012

For the dead.

I light a candle (never white), pour more wine, roll another ciggy. Pray to my plants, tune in to an old friend/lover/pimp/abuser/Savior coz he's familiar and plays soul.  Ask a text friend for a hug, and shudder when a flesh one reaches for me, shes not to be trusted.  It's getting dark.  I wonder about more food, more drink, some drugs, but I'd never leave my sleeping son, I'm not really hungry and my supplier doesn't supply anymore.  The dreams were easier last night, I went to sleep thinking I could start a time line, not today, there is never a good day to remember, to exercise, to eat less, to stop smoking.  Certainly not today, maybe its an excuse.  Like my sisters.  My mum came home from the hospital after two hours sleep waiting for her father to die to hungry infants and a mess.  But at least I talk, at least I have the balls to remember some of it, to prance and curl in drama, and pay and pay to travel across this anal country to say very little to man with a Scottish accent, who has never raised an eyebrow or called me delusional and has read the Greenbaum Speech.

But I left the mess on the floor, its all clothes, bags, and the entrails from a cupboard evicted for a personal choice, for a medicinal risk.  Anyway, wee man is sleeping, this is our place and his body is his body.  I talked about his genitalia with him tonight, telling him to keep his foreskin clean, that his tinkle was also called a penis and bits below was his testicles wrapped in his scrotum and that I didn't know all that much about his parts because I didn't have them.  I told him I have a clitoris, a labia, a vagina, a uterus, ovaries and little tubes.  Thankfully he didn't ask what the labia is because I'm not sure.  He asked me if I laid eggs and said he wanted me to have a baby growing me.  I said I needed a man for that and I that I didn't want one, he said he was a man and could make a baby.  I told him that we couldn't with me because that would be yucky and the baby would have two heads and that he wouldn't be a man until he had hair EVERYWHERE.  The bottle was unopened at this point.  Maybe I have got beyond the fear of his unmodest boy parts.  Hope I haven't disturbed him, maybe the bit about the baby with two heads wasn't a good idea...  Private parts aren't dirty parts, that was my intention !?

Anyway, unnecessary food is on its way.  Hey if I had a social life I'm sure I would spend a lot more.. And by the way, anyone who reads this and feels anything for me, anything but hate, voyeurism and disgust that is, thank you.

I haven't kept the promise about leaving my family yet, I haven't got the money back, or killed them all, I can't remember most of your names, but believe me when I said I love you and traced a heart on your palm, chest or head, I am with you.