Cleaned the kitchen today and the hall, did a puzzle with wee man.  Starting to think about how much I could enjoy living in a clean prettier house, buy flowers, lavender oil for my burner with the cute witch and her pussy cat.  Chill out in my room reading and writing in the evenings instead of curled up under a blanket in front of rolling news, eating too much, chain smoking and feeling used and abandoned.  Starting to not feel guilty about DLA, I know its stupid but that feeling that just because working makes me ill doesn't mean I don't have to is difficult to shift.  So used to being forced, to my interests, needs, health being of no consequence.  Goddam Cameron and his working = 'doing the right thing' doesn't help, why to I even hear it?  Partly because I made the conscious decision to go against all the wrongness of Satanism and State corruption and criminality to respect people and society.  Which is fine but respecting everyone else is pretty tricky when you were never taught how to respect yourself.

Been reading Overcoming Childhood Trauma by Helen Kennerley on and off for a while now, think I really like it.  There is lots of encouragement to read whatever you want and come back to exercises when your ready.  It's simple, gentle and teaches you how to challenge the negative thinking that abuse leaves so many people with.  I know a lot of it already but I haven't yet felt like I'm wasting my time by reading it again, like I'm actually internalising it this time.  There is a lot of emphasis in setting goals but cutting them down to smaller steps and focusing on the positive, its helping me to believe I can do the things I want to do, like writing some sort of story of my life.  I have ideas about where to start and can see myself doing it.  My god I would feel so proud if I could get someone to publish it but it would take a long time, maybe a very long time.  Maybe it would come a lot quicker than I think..

It took years for Old Shrink to realise how just letting things be wasn't an option to me, that couldn't just accept.  I wonder how long it will take Nushrink.  When I first saw him he asked if I had any questions, I didn't but I do know.  Does he have a therapist of his own, for starters.  Wish moving to place where there was more therapists for people for me was an option.  Maybe in the furture.


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