When the initial "fuck that's us, we were totally awake and totally knew what we were doing so must of know what we were doing at other times to" passes there is always a lull, a dip into feeling pointless, desperate and of remembering trauma. Endless trauma. Complex and organised. Straightforward and random.  Vicious and organised, casual and thoughtless.  Endless trauma.

We figured that our only real allies might be found in the ranks of those that said they put all effort they could into making things worse forcing someone else would be forced to stop it all.  Knew lots of our worst enemies would be there to.  But that was back in the eighties.  When I could be easily stowed away and didn't ovulate.  When all the cameras and playback still had the power to fool some of us into thinking we were being heard. First we had to learn how to not just completely loose it when we saw that walking dead look in peoples eyes then we started to realise that the walking dead look meant we weren't being watched quite so much.  Most people had no idea how integrated we where if we were ok enough to know and had the strength to pretend. Then we started noticing that some of the people around might be quite useful in stopping it all if they had the right help and if we were able to keep some of us safe from all the control and manipulation.  That was the eighties though when it rarely went that long before some other people who came along to undermine the last horror lot though.

Nothing we did ever stopped it though.  Just changed it a bit.  We could dissociate or black out the violence so well but they wouldn't let us stop seeing the network.  I could see how bad things would get before they got any better.  I insured what I could and set up systems that gathered, stored and insured.  I made sure our best thinkers were the best protected.  They didn't care about all the efforts that were being made to maintain an amnesiac ANP they were younger and said they didn't know or care about any of that that.  They were going to take it all over.  This would often make us laugh at them.  Which would often antagonise them. All of us were to see them, remember, and be retraumatised by it into vulnerable states forever.  Them and their victimisation were all we were told be would ever know and we were told that over and over everywhere they took us or allowed us to be.  They said they would always have all the power and money and we would never have anything and always be used by them for fun or to make them money or get them favours. The rest of the world didn't matter because no one cared or knew about what they were doing.  If anyone resisted they would rape them into giving up.  Above all they needed us to not ever look at ourselves because when we did we would remember to much and remember no one has complete control all the time over anything.  Unless it was times when had the most access to us and had being doing whatever they wanted to us the longest.  Then they would take us to a mirror, in my homes, their homes, hotels whatever.  Saying how every time we looked in the mirror we were all to remember them, everything they did, everything they forced us into and how no one helped us.  They really did seem to believe that we would never get away from them.  The found out how we pretend to believe to believe them and worked on that for on and off for ten years.

There was a world out there though and scattered across it are people who invest all lot in our survival but if the parts are severely traumatised and the body in shock all the time we couldn't reach them.  They and when I say 'they' I am talking about mostly white educated British people with Suburban backgrounds.  Many with connections to the BBC and or music industry, those with or perusing careers in media and journalism or politics.  There was lots of gangs of assorted colours involved but they were hired and/or manipulated by the repeat offenders.  Police and professionals from fucked up rings as well of course.  Lots of the intelligence people we talked to genuinely knew little about a lot of it but I still knew it was always either coming directly from people in their profession or their protection and hiding of the real source of it all that was instrumental in maintaining it.  For most of the nineties they were increasingly controlling when parts came forward, working towards having all of us, all of the time.  By the end of the decade we started losing any control over our contact with anyone vaguely friendly at all.

We all know all the lines from Anne Frank and many, many others. Don't think about whats lost.  It's so hard though.  Music is the only break in the isolation for so many of them.  Of course its all laden with rape triggers everything is but some of things are also laden with we survived and so will you triggers as well.  Don't pay for it.  Don't trust it.  Seriously.  Any of it.  We do.  The 90p or so price of the track doesn't really register much in the scheme of things.  It's like forget about Monsanto or Nestle or even bloody Disney or whatever stop paying the music industry music and the BBC, forget about most journalists and have nothing to do with any porn or British Military Intelligence agencies.  Seriously.  Please..

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