March 02, 2014

March

Yeah so the unmarked uniforms and vehicles. Russia.  The East.  Braveheart and Word Up out.  Avcii or whatever of course.  Tracks have been paid for, not the Word one yet but its quite likely as when it comes on the radio there are a lot of happy bairns.  The teens need to be more than heard though they need to know are known, hence 'Braveheart'. If we don't know by now we never will. Which is some trick for us to write by the way.  If the teens don't get out of bed and give us more and help with all housework and such we will struggle to live healthier.  What triggers the abuser have laced it with isn't the point.  That shit is everywhere all the time everywhere, Yew Tree and the Coronation Street trials for fucks sake.

take me in I'll take you higher...memories wide open,, songbird keeps calling.. Braveheart init.  They smile and roll their eyes instead of slamming doors and its much better. We go back to 2000/2001 easy with that track. It was the like the last one of that batch.  My time was to be handed over to a few months of porn.  We knew at least some of it wouldn't be happening. But we know what going back to 2000/2001 easy means.  Look further back, try 80s thats when they started saying everybody lives were all mapped out for them and they definitely succeeded in determining mine a fair bit so many not a single note of it is ours, like the voices we hated used to say your not making this we are giving it to you as a gift. Aspects of the music industry still have as much concern for 'informed consent' as the sex industry then...

They keep saying we don't exist, we do.  We might be able to accept the world thinking that but don't let them fool us.  Not matter where you say it you know you will be heard.  They needed to know I hear them, that at the very least a few others will go 'I've heard that before'.  What it triggers in anyone else is beyond our interest to be honest and its not like I can trust the MSM or the internet or most people so there is no point in us worrying it anything bad would never of been our idea and its not like we never tried to fight it.  

I was coming round to it but not in a increasingly aware of being in any particular situation kind of way that can happen to most parts but in more of a waking up to being a person with DID who was being trafficked in all kind of ways using all kinds of means to enforce.  It's like a handing over.  Each part shows the main one what they are doing and why they are doing it and then stays with the main one until they are understood and the main one now knows how to act like that part but is still the main part.  The other part is no longer isolated but knows it is part of a system with lots like her/him and there are stronger parts around to protect them all.  The main part as lost some of her amnesia and therefore her fear that makes everyone vulnerable to triggers.   It couldn't of been that far from our flat in Aberdeen but remembering journeys is always something traffickers are keen for you to be short of memories of.  Another studio.  Wasn't the best but the mixer wasn't cheap and I would find myself staring at it and wincing, thinking of the hours of hell that me and other people had endured for it and knowing it was a drop in the ocean.  Trying desperately to see a way to believe that real change was possible.

We knew we had done all this before.  Found away to get back into the studio alone.  Just to play.  We had stopped doing that just for the music.  Having to delete it all afterwards was sleeve drenched with tears traumatic and giving some of it to someone else to keep safe didn't work either because sooner or later we would resent and despise that they had access to our work when we didn't.  I guess to many it was the giving of the music that was instrumental in the long run to help parts that had to use victim thinking to survive to begin to acknowledging all the glaring exploitation.  Recognising the music as there own or of as standard below their own helped them see how far from useless they were without their 'friends' who were often 'lovers' who would understand that they could only be our friend when we were old enough to explain it to them.

A studio and a half arsed danced track and some rapey fucker.  Well there's a surprise.  There was something in the repetition with this one.  It wasn't repetition. There is something going on with the body, feat are tingling but not in a bad way and their is something in the shoulders and subtle movements of the privileged white boy thugs that on the dials.  She said she was going to do this.  To just hand it all back to me one day.  My flesh and all the industries and social control experiments it was linked to.  Just handed back over after many years of invisibly jumpy up and down on the sidelines in getting embroiled in some bullshit manipulation of other people, other things in order to have a voice.  Of course we fucking protested.  We knew without us she and everyone us was fucked and putting things of was only going to make this worse.  Everyone makes mistakes though.  Especially when your a child and being ritually raped and tortured by people who are powerful in the same powerful social circles that are claiming you do not exist within the frame of the law, who maintain there is no life no deny any human rights to.  Your gonna loose it from time to time. And we were losing in situations where there were well organised plans to manipulate whatever form of losing it we went through to fit the interests of people who traded in unrecognised people and the individuals, networks and organisations who are sympathetic to people who sell children to me raped and beaten into lives that suit abuser tastes.

Like I said. It was 2000/2001 ish and not near the end of that time more like the beginning or in the lull near the middle when the body was ok for a while.  Why did he let those lyrics go through? I knew he was a complete cunt so it couldn't be anything to do with wanting to help me.  Could it?  It was just a line or two and a song title really.  What difference does it make?  The only thing that seemed certain was that whoever he was and whatever the fuck was going on he didn't know as much as we did.  We tried to hide it from ourselves or at least stop it from becoming to overwhelming for a consciousness that took a lot of hits but had learned and refused to stop growing in someway through it all.  But it just became clearer and sharper.  We were awake.  I didn't worry about whatever bullshit signing there was before we left, we were almost all here, someone would know what was expected, we just knew we needed to keep the body safe while the waking up was so ongoing as it was.  Did notice the white shites were back to being complete cretins and I couldn't see what name we signed or anything that was typed (if anything was) on the paperwork as the deed was being done, noticed that and someone strong internally, breaking.  Knew our teens needed it and they need attention.  I have to let them be young.  It was impossible to forget, being so aware of how hard we were working with music and speaking to people to be conscious and how confident this had made us feel and act.  How much I was able to feel in this body and know all that that means.  It seems likely that whatever team is behind Braveheart and in particular wherever the money goes are not very nice people and/or have had some involvement with sex traffickers or are connected to people who are.  I don't know anything about the up front act but I'm guessing they were very very young back in 2000/1.

Word up isn't quite a mess of triggers beyond something about when Mel C did and thinking it was well pathetic.  It guess it was more of a 'could you do this for me' rather than directly connected to stuff like going over and over vocals or instrumental layers that are never kept, blasting you when you are already physically weakened and all the millions of other music related punishment and exploitation.  We don't know about all the other times but at least one time when they played some Braveheart mix at us after we had been thrown in the corner of the studio with the big vocal booth after extended hours of gang rape if not days and when we heard it we felt wrapped up in a cozy bubble and could listen enough to identify different parts within it and when they were taped.  I walked out of there doing my best not to see the people who were there to stop myself from attacking them.  There was too many of them it would mean little but punishment.

We sat and listened with some of the callers during the days after fascinated before telling them we knew what was going on and to stop calling.  Trying to figure out what we could do something about and what we couldn't stop before realizing we didn't need to listen to any of it.  It felt important to hear the parts that abusers on the line had been hurting and manipulating all those years for without them knowing we could hear them.  I guess we grew up.  We knew we needed to use the anger to get us out we also knew we had to stop the anger from pulling us back in by going after abusers that had already been persuaded to leave us alone for the time being.

It did seem to be some serious shit.  Real military shit.  We told the littles that thought they must be the good guys to calm down and other littles that thought they must be the bad guys to pay attention we had control of ourselves.  If felt like it might be more or become more than another abuser led puppet show with fancy props and locations.  I kept looking down at the uniform surprised to see that it fitted because it felt like it should be way to big.  We had done it enough times before though. I don't know who I am. I just know I'm a victim of British Intelligence and they sell me to others. I don't who any of you are or what is going on here but I'm pretty sure I don't like it.  I can't do this anymore.  I have lots of self defense skills. I might be able to explain what I know about whats going on but your going to have to explain to me whats going on here and how your not involved in sex trafficking.. Sometimes we wouldn't need to get to the end before someone would say one of our names.  We would set it up sometimes so the hurt ones would wake up armed and surrounded by people who had never hurt them.  Anything to let as many of us know as possible to not give up hope.  It was ridiculous we had to go to the other side of the world just to contact the other side of my head.

So when we found people that would listen and could listen we would do our best to give them everything we could and be as honest as possible about both our capabilities and limitations whilst making absolutely sure they knew how the British RA networks with the CIA and their sponsors were hitting anyone they liked including them with the same shit they hit me with and very few people were doing fuck all about it.  One of them called us when we were out there.  Probably from a radio 1 studio.  There didn't seem much point in wondering about who told me to take the phone but I remembered being curious at the time as to why I was told to take something from here, deep in BBC/"It's not us." 5 horrors we didn't look any deeper into what came before and after the women who told us to take it than we do know.  BBC/Military Intelligence/trafficking horrors. It was best to act as brain dead as possible.  They had levels of violence against me, others and children especially that I couldn't match and would never want to.  I sensed so much meishness around in increasing amounts we seemed to be getting organised for something big and no one was being left out but we knew the rape wasn't over yet and we had to accept that these men somewhere out East weren't going to be able to stop everything that what was happening to me in the UK.
  
I said something about knowing I wasn't here by consent because I didn't have weed on me, they looked at bit bemused.  There was some language barriers but their English was mostly good their Scots not so much. We had eaten enough to not care.  I got something to smoke of one of them and went outside. How much wine had I drank? Not too much I thought as had I managed not to knock over or walk into some big vase or something that was next to the door way.  We allowed our selves a quick but deep gawp at the decor down the hall to to fairly grand front doors, it seemed to be speaking to us in a secret loving language only we knew.  Can't tell you about the scenery outside.  We often keep that to ourselves unless we really have looked at it a lot or its really needed.  It is also because we know that its safe to assume people that want to keep in trafficking will be listening or paying attention in some way sooner or later.  When they invest.  They invest.  The scenery, as always, reminded us that we are connected to the Earth and every benign thing on it in an unbreakable way that made me know the physical rape would be ending soon.  We willed in a voice saying affectionately but with some irony 'You've done it now kid. Your on your own'.  We felt that tingling in our feat with that sense of being both myself and strong again, I was beginning to remember we used to be much more familiar with feeling like that.  The air was sharp but not bitter cold and I loved it and every teeny itsy non UK atom of it.  One of them came out smiled and said something that I knew meant we needed to get a move on.  It felt great going back in I knew we would be able to talk properly.

I had thought that we could never properly be ourselves in Scotland, in the UK anywhere.  We tried to test this and thought we have proved it wrong for a while.  Then we started regretting the whole exercise, it had been a very bad idea.  I should of trusted myself.  Maybe its different now and independence would certainly be better than no independence but we still can't accept that this is it.