December 04, 2014


Gabapentin not working so well..Watching CNN.  British news showing disgusting politicians taking about some middle class bull shit.  I hate being choked.  Who the hell doesn't?
I'm so not an adult. Our tough parts are faked but sometimes is was people who cared that helped us fake.  Used to think that to, its being filmed, thats proof. But it doesnt matter.  Things determined by systems way before anyone alive today was born.

More pennies though but think the buying stuff has brought out self denial parts to stop us feeling like we are a person who is entitled to anything.  Cant do this alone.

But has been better memories handled better, accepted as the past and slept well last night, managing the school run happily and on time. Not sure if it will be the same tomorrow morning.

Kinda need weed. Getting that destructive, lashing out feelings when we have not had for weeks. Spoke to him yesterday though so thats better than phones off the hook or going straight to voice mail.

Sleepy now, took a second Gabapentin.

Hate mother, she takes kids to Santa's grotto, encourages belief in all that but will talk about buying stocking fillers in front of them. Like they are not there.

.. that was last night before the 2nd Gabapentin of the evening knocked us out. Felt horrid this morning and all day. Did a whole three minutes of sanding before having to gave in to cry. So horrible to think of people allowing and assisting what people did to us over all those years.  We keeping feeling, seeing the same moment over and over. Face down and naked on a bed in my room, the Dream Team trying to get me to relax.  The young girl from the 'Mummy' post was quite possibly one of there's.  Maybe we are about to go through a patch of getting details about the ten - twenty years of being the Dream Teams' gimp and source of income.  There is a lot there we haven't begun to process. There is always a will to get work done to get to a place where there is so much less terror about it all. Think it would test our therapist a bit, not that we dont think she has the reserves, the skills and the experience just that she is a human being who cares about us.

Lost so many people who care about us because it all. People who were manipulated into believing things that weren't true that in turn meant things happening to us or us being left in isolated when there could of been some contact, parts being created or broken up that wouldnt of been if someone who cared about us had said hello. No matter how much we understood and understand, we just couldnt forgive. Dont know if we could forgive them now they are not asking.

Keep thinking about how calls for help so often just advertised ourselves and what was going on to offenders and 'business' people while anyone that wasnt just looked away and blocked there ears and kept their eyes shut even tighter.

It's such a shitty world, for so many.

Patches like this they are flip side to bliss out days which we will have again soon, real soon.