December 15, 2014

December 2014. Post 1.

Hey Laura,

Thank you again for the house. And the furniture, the lap top, the kindle..

I'm sitting here at 9 am on Monday morning with a flat blim and a brandy hot chocolate coffee, the kitchen is an unspeakable mess but have made good progress in here and the decorations started.  Left pabs with mum. This cold has kicked our ass. We knew last Christmas that this December the annuaau dropping of the made up front to hide the trafficking and all signs of it would be particularly well .. dropped.  Haven't done any actual work on the actual paper collage we are working on with Therapist but the internal one has come on a lot. One part in particular was around for a while the other night has a fairly comprehensive understanding of where she comes from, who did what to her, how she changed and what she did to get out. She has a linear understanding of her history..

She is not shocked by remembering, by the details like usual day to day parts are.  She has such an strong unemotional view of it all, so grounded. Its understandable that others might feel she is too unaffected or cold but she was a bit like that anyway and it rooted her through all the horrors in ways that the rest of us cant begin to imagine.  She is aware of being in a system and rarely engages I guess in a human chatty way with other parts, if she is out she is out.  When she isn't, she watches and not in a cold way, its a humane and rationale way.  There were times when even she looked away.She was capable of being hurt just as much as any of 'us' when she is present she just isn't retraumatised by the recall because she experiences so much in the here and now, matter of fact way. She is acutely aware of her responsibilities to others internally but doesn't waste any energy torturing herself by worrying about things that she has no power over. She isn't vulnerable to grooming and emotional manipulation like some of us were. She is technically minded thats all. She isnt interested stories and art, just the truth.

Spent some time trying to think of a name for her. Got no where..Not ready for all that. They are not needed for internal communication anyway its only talking to outside people that they start to become an issue.

The last fat blim before we are out.. made mocha added an amount of brandy more you sized.. Something you wouldn't respect however is the pusses when they arrive. LOL! Going get every ready for them before getting them over. We are really looking forward to it the extra DLA has meant we can stock up on food, litter, toys and beds for them. Don't want pusses if we cant spoil them. Will be so good for the bairns. Who are fine. Gracie forgive us a little each time for being alive and not being a useless cunt like her dad ever time we let big little man stay over. We need the time, more of it to get house sorted and to begin to heal self. Unlike mother. She was be able to talking about getting back to 'normal' hours after a close family death.

Its been hard work, emotionally going through all your stuff, really, really crippling. Mum would be no use anyway she just chucks everything out without really looking at what she is doing, not processing anything.  The truthness around means there is too much rape and rape torture memories to want anything to do with dad, Lynne is a fucking bitch and your son is well, up their with them..

Bastards.