..dear reader..

Yeah its maybe gonna be a long night.  We have as much as we can do for ourselfs in terms of painkillers, weed and disney films.  Guy phoned up and offered us the movies package for half price.  It just feels like this is it, all this pain, metal, wood, plastic, forced into deep injured places. This is it for us. Its just what happens, if you suffer all that its going to keep hurting forever. Maybe if there is proper support it could be fixed but thats is not going to happen. With us or without us hen you'll gonna suffer your whole life.  We resent it when people assume its the individuals who said those things that have the power over us. The big scary man whoes biologically driven to inflict pain and burden on us. The evil older woman. But it wasnt them or their particular ring that had and has that hold over us its because we were shown the systems behind them, in great detail so it was impossible to not know how helpless it was to resist or try and expose. It'...

Whats the emotional reward in not eating? Well it means we arn't going against everything mental & physical that is in the way. Its accepting we are not well, strong or healed enough to do normal things like eat regular meals. It means we avoid that thing when we prepare food, sit down to eat our stomach turns we get totally trigger and in tears. We hate it to of course, feeling weak is triggering. Its so motherish to she has always just has coffee fags/spliffs for breakfast and lunch and we know the more we replicate that behaviour the more we loose ourselves, keep our immune system depleted and possible positive futures become even harder to get to. We have never been comfortable the presence she has in our head.  Blocks everything out. Always something so not right something unnatural and manufactured about her and what we feel about her. The fear she has that her daughters will function well enough to get far away has always seemed really obvious. Not that she intentio...

 .. Its necessary isnt it? Logging onto here, seeing what comes out and where we end up.. Something else that was discussed in last therapy session was emotional education, love those words, love them in that order.. Its always been something that was so difficult to hold onto without having outside people talk to.  We would read or hear things that we felt had changed our understanding of ourself and the world completely because we knew where we where we would be would be able to see a way out but it would never last, sooner or later we would be dumb again.  The people around me not only didnt have any emotional education vocabulary they rejected any sign of it completely. We can still see the old triggers working in mother's eyes when we talk about having DID, expecting, hoping even that the thugs will be back to quieten down any of that sort of talk and relieve her of all responsibility. A thing we keep finding ourselves coming back to, a part we cant unstuck...

Back to having our breath taken away by how much we love the house, garden. The inside at the moment is proper midden but its not forever. Its not really frustrating us to much at the moment that paint and furniture is in the wee room exactly as it was delivered its been so goddam sunny.  Got tbeio be mentioned. Bought and wore shorts today. Just in our garden of course. Shorts. In April. In our garden. Had to phone in the therapy session. Facetime it was alright. She maybe noticed that there was littles that were not generally out and about being drawn forward coz it was kind of funny looking at therapist on the little screen. Still think we would really benefit from having a space, a container that was just for the littles.  Its such a shame that the drama therapists we saw were so basically clueless about DID because they loved aspects of it, especially the one to one sessions and if it was so good for out harder to reach littles its likely to good for other systems to. ...

Do I blog? There it is again, the all seeing unseen been repeatidly poked with  various blunt and sharp instruments 'I'. It creeps back again and again sending those of us who thinking about coming forward darting back deep undercover.  We remember dripping. A cough recently has us aware that we are now in a place where we can and will buy Tenna Lady and not give a fuck. The weak bladder has been bother since always they told us to always think of them everything we need to change our pants because of cold wet patches of pee.. They must of had something in our urethra that meant we constantly dripped. We could feel it. We were starting to get resistance to the drugs, coming round. We knew it wasn't smart to wake up quickly you have to do it slowly, listening out for whoever else is around, using every sense to find clues about where you were, what was happening and staying very still until it felt ok to open your eyes. It was rarely ok but there was definitely ...