April 26, 2015

excavation

Yeah its maybe gonna be a long night.  We have as much as we can do for ourselfs in terms of painkillers, weed and disney films.  Guy phoned up and offered us the movies package for half price.  It just feels like this is it, all this pain, metal, wood, plastic, forced into deep injured places. This is it for us. Its just what happens, if you suffer all that its going to keep hurting forever.

Maybe if there is proper support it could be fixed but thats is not going to happen. With us or without us hen you'll gonna suffer your whole life.  We resent it when people assume its the individuals who said those things that have the power over us. The big scary man whoes biologically driven to inflict pain and burden on us. The evil older woman. But it wasnt them or their particular ring that had and has that hold over us its because we were shown the systems behind them, in great detail so it was impossible to not know how helpless it was to resist or try and expose. It's a machine and everything you do or dont do will fuel for it. Made of solid heavy metal parts that chew and smush up humans without noticing. Genuinely nothing our wee lump of flesh could to stop or slow down. The only way would be with help, lots of help and they are hardly going to allow that to develop are they?

How does it feel to allow their words and faces to be so present in our mind? Well the agony the caused never left for long so seeing and hearing is kind of useful.  Ugly useful of course.

The longing though. Like the cat calling in the night for her still born but its so much more than that and thats why its forever. I wont let them go. They are my babies and I love them. They happened and I wont let that be denied. I have to because no one else will remember them, no one else counted them or cared.

Feels quite laboury leting her through like that. She wont be alone and I dont mean the babies. They will be with someone from the very early eighties or if they were really expert from the early nighties. Someone she needs to keep from the rest of us. She maybe feels like she had to sacrifice the babies to protect us. We will tell her it is most likely wasnt like that at all. She was being tortured for days, regularly over years she was being deprived of everything a body needs to function. That that she has any memories at all is remarkable and show how much she loves the babies. Whatever happens to any of us when we are not able to communicate with the rest of us intentionally leaves impressions of events that are totally off. Like we were saying last night with the people replacement. Besides we are all stronger and safer know. Someone will be able to handle it in here and therapist would be ok. She really wants to help but everyone keeps saying that other peoSple in here need the help more then going off and crying..

So much kneeling cold in thin nighities in the corner of darkened room.  Just trying not to be.

Not sure if I can go into those spaces to get them. I might need them to come to us but we are not sure if they can..

Maybe therapist can help.