April 25, 2015

present, past, future, whatever..

 .. Its necessary isnt it? Logging onto here, seeing what comes out and where we end up..

Something else that was discussed in last therapy session was emotional education, love those words, love them in that order.. Its always been something that was so difficult to hold onto without having outside people talk to.  We would read or hear things that we felt had changed our understanding of ourself and the world completely because we knew where we where we would be would be able to see a way out but it would never last, sooner or later we would be dumb again.  The people around me not only didnt have any emotional education vocabulary they rejected any sign of it completely. We can still see the old triggers working in mother's eyes when we talk about having DID, expecting, hoping even that the thugs will be back to quieten down any of that sort of talk and relieve her of all responsibility.

A thing we keep finding ourselves coming back to, a part we cant unstuck maybe - we feel like we cant deal with any psychological problems that are causing the contractions and whatever when we dont have proper medical care. Although medical attention, drugs, emergency treatments etc would be denied and used as a means of controlling people as part of the ritualised abuse and trafficking we always knew that because we were being sold into more exclusive, more secretive, more rich people only markets we would receive the best care that's was available sooner or later. We often feel when therapist talks about trying to figure out the triggers for the pain that she isnt understanding how physical it is and of course we are decades beyond (or away from) the NHS being an actual option in provide any real answers.

 Yep. There's definitely a part that doesnt want to let go of the treatments or the sense of security that knowing eventually our need for physical care and good professional medical attention for all the injuries, traumas and stresses.

Fair whack of patriarchy there isnt there? The only relief from the very physical vulnerability comes from the same source thats inventing and enforcing the physical vulnerability to begin with.  No way out, they are in charge of all the exits and all the means to get anywhere near them.

She cant even see us. All there is petrification, all the energy she has left is completely focus doing whatever needs to be done, without seeing so she can get to the next patch of comfort, the next patch of being human even though she knows it will result in punishment that will put her back in the pitch blackness in flesh that operates without her. All there is trying to always remember to never forget to stay way from all the senses and all cognition all the time.  Its so hard all it takes sometimes so small and everyday like the warmth in a little patch of sunlight, the waft of cooking food, a babies laugh and she will forget to not be there and it will bad, so very bad.

Lots of the present tense in there. No wonder with our situation and the world as it is and trauma never that long ago or far away. What is it we do now? Oh yeah. we say we know we have it in us to help this part to get beyond the specific PTSD/mental health hook even though we dont believe it..

It would probably help if the external singletons downstairs would settle the fuck down.  I mean how many times do you need to say 'I'm tired and I'm grumpy..'