April 25, 2015

messy healing

Back to having our breath taken away by how much we love the house, garden. The inside at the moment is proper midden but its not forever. Its not really frustrating us to much at the moment that paint and furniture is in the wee room exactly as it was delivered its been so goddam sunny.  Got tbeio be mentioned. Bought and wore shorts today. Just in our garden of course. Shorts. In April. In our garden.

Had to phone in the therapy session. Facetime it was alright. She maybe noticed that there was littles that were not generally out and about being drawn forward coz it was kind of funny looking at therapist on the little screen. Still think we would really benefit from having a space, a container that was just for the littles.  Its such a shame that the drama therapists we saw were so basically clueless about DID because they loved aspects of it, especially the one to one sessions and if it was so good for out harder to reach littles its likely to good for other systems to.  Its bad enough when there just doesnt seem to be any exit signs to get out of a bad place but when you see ways out but your barred from them it just compounds the misery.

Therapist still trying to get us to talk about the pain because its still really bad.

But when we try a little harder to tell her whats going on headwise she at least seems to agree that its still release.  Very extreme sessions were very regular sometimes and afterwards, between these sessions we had to not act like we were in any pain and go to school. In later years when there was no legal requirement for me to be registered and show up anywhere there was trouble with abusive GPs  when we tried to get help because it was so chronic, regardless of whatever was going on in the mind.

I know that in the earlier years after ovulation started some of us held onto the pain and still hold onto it as the only thing we have left of the babies and the truth, they were encouraged by some ring members to do this.

We try and explain that the parts who hold lots of the worst stuff cant really be talked to, not yet anyway they cant understand.  They have never really talked to like that, they just know the brutalisation, they never learned much or any language, they do not think of themselves of capable of language, they cant think of themselves at all. We cant see what else we can do for them but continue on more or less as we are and hope that eventually the comfort and hope filters down by doing what we can for all the rest of us.

Then theres the internalised abusers.  When the adults around you all show so much hate and desire to inflict pain on you, they must have a reason right? It cant be because they are bad because you cant make it to the end of the road on these little legs, they need to not be evil inorder to take care of you. So the hate gets replicated and this happens so early that even when your a big girl whoes legs could take you much further than the end of the road if they needed to and you know your not bad the hate and pain is still deep inside and wont go away.

We are sharing more of the programming, not all of it by any means, but theres that longterm connection between feeling ok, i.e accepting myself as a soul with DID no longer putting vast amounts of energy into not seeing or responding to the world around me or contents of our own mind, any sense of feeling connected to my body and hopeful about the future basically and agony. The agonies of sexual torture to be specific, not entirely gynaecological but mostly and the fear and helplessness and everything else that comes with it. This feels deeper, older than pregnancy heartbreaks but connected to it to. We dont feel any where nearer to dealing with it.

Other stuff feels a bit more dealt with, the brutal nights and afternoons with the uncle isnt hitting us as hard.  She didnt she know she already had DID. She knew she had a functional family but she also knew she was intelligent, caring and was excited about her education and the future that could bring her away from the family. Then she experienced horrific sexual violence from her uncle and all the rest of us coming in and out of her mind and body, complete strangers to her. What it was that made that particular program work so bloody well is at a level we are happy to be far from sharing or consciously processing in much detail at the moment.

Therapist would say how hard it must be for the parts that endured the worst of the programming, who understand the specifics of how it all worked, who could do what to who and what was done to us to make that possible, and we are starting to feel strong enough to genuinely reach out those parts, or those that will have us! and not completely buckle when they start to really open up and its unrelentingly physical and physiological horror being relayed like our wee man natters about whatever dualing card based animation he is into this week..

..

The seasons. They bring us to ourselves. We were taught to let us leave with the seasons to but we fight it when we can. We dont want our seasons controlled by the bad ladys. We know it doesnt have to be like .. because we are not seasons we are people.


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