April 19, 2015

Notes (piss & pus)

Do I blog?

There it is again, the all seeing unseen been repeatidly poked with  various blunt and sharp instruments 'I'. It creeps back again and again sending those of us who thinking about coming forward darting back deep undercover. 

We remember dripping. A cough recently has us aware that we are now in a place where we can and will buy Tenna Lady and not give a fuck. The weak bladder has been bother since always they told us to always think of them everything we need to change our pants because of cold wet patches of pee..

They must of had something in our urethra that meant we constantly dripped. We could feel it. We were starting to get resistance to the drugs, coming round. We knew it wasn't smart to wake up quickly you have to do it slowly, listening out for whoever else is around, using every sense to find clues about where you were, what was happening and staying very still until it felt ok to open your eyes. It was rarely ok but there was definitely no way you can get up and find out if you can run without opening your eyes first..

 It seemed and smelled like a room in a hospital and it didn't feel unusual. 

Dry stane dyking up one of the hills with Bill. We come back to this often when we try and process the father daughter incest and what to do with our relationship now. For the core parts and managers they saw enough to confirm a lot of our suspicions.

Beautiful day we were quite strong physically, we needed to be or the planned emotional moment they needed for future programming wouldn't work. There was lots of being taken aside by people heavy involved in giving instructions, doing stuff to us and taking us places. They were isolating our parts, telling us how to see Bill as he worked on the wall, how strong he was, how hard he was working. We kept just seeing a man that hurt us so they brought in another man, a bloke who hadn't hurt us so much. They dressed him up in my dads clothes and had him working the wall like my dad, with his back to me. They were trying to create a bonding moment to use as the basis of a delusional relationship what I would use to deny the abuse. 

There were other groups trying different approaches, for the different ANPs we suppose, the nicer lot were trying to persuade us to stop hating him 'for your own sake' they were saying a lot. And the even nastier than the usual lot who were trying to persuade us that his masculinity unequivocally meant our inferiority, not even a lesser person but not a person at all because of my feelings of hate towards someone who was strong and who worked for the good of everyone. The words they used were long as well as horrible it was impossible to understand what they were saying but we had parts that would block them out so we normally most of us wouldnt even try, somewhere can produced running translations telling whatever parts the programmers believed they had isolated what was really going on with lots of sarcastic humour.  On this day we just listened, we weren't scared.  Whatever attention some of us had been paying to Margo and Bill's philosophy degrees had really paid off the abusers logic non existant and they were using words all wrong.  It was then or around that time that we did actually start to see how powerless 'Dad' really was, standing there nodding his head, shoulders stooped, not looking them in the eye, he was just like us except he didn't have all the help in his head that we did. 

Seeing how organised and interchangeable the people from the different approached were. They were standing about in heather and grass next to the wall chatting about the different approaches and what to do next, like it was all completely normal. 

There is no doubt we are processing. Getting deeper into it all. 

Had another immune system prob on our inner thigh. More pain.  Dissociative levels of pain. We applied the hot wet clothes and drew the stinking poison forth.  There is lots of love for what some of us call 'ancient lore' in parts that first around when there is lots of pain or fear. Their imagination was really captured by the pagan and other symbol heavy stuff used in grooming for the ritual torture.  They are always searching for signs and omens from the universe or our own depths, they really believe that externally, interms of the abuse inquiries and what not the filth is about to spread far and fast soon..We are desperate though so its no surprise they are searching for signposts to life in a better culture. There's wider appreciation though in lots of us for a connection between the really difficult therapy like using the EMDR and not pushing the worst traumas away and the applying of the hot clothes on the infected flesh..excruciating, revolting,. But no system will get any better with all that crap under the skin..

Our therapist said that it's not random the way we jump from subject to subject and that's it's like following a path. We are not completely ready to get out at the end yet but we have made lots of progress with our fear of maps...


Pits it all leads to pits. Death pits. So whats the point?