December 14, 2016

believe

We are listening to carols, smoking blinding weed and thinking of you. CPN today. Last time this year. Didn't tell we have stopped taking the antipsychotic. Told her we were struggling to take it. She said it was honest of us to say so but as we were still taking it we must think its doing us some good. She got a bit pissed off actually asking us if we thought this was a good time to be even thinking about reducing. We said we are not interested in psychology at the moment. We really arn't. Not from the NHS. Not from anyone we can't vet our self. We are a little worried how we will get evidence to say we are unfit to work if we are refusing to see any docs but we know we have every reason to believe in what little we remember of the phone calls where we were told we didn't need to. We remember the relief and the sense of truth and then our heart sank at what we were going to have to survive from then. He talked about there being bad times ahead and I think told me something that he hoped would get us through that we can't remember now but that doesnt mean it didnt indeed help us through the last couple of years.

As usual though from here we have no idea what is going to or may happen. We know that if December becomes January becomes February and there is no real change we won't at least be in as bad a state as we were this year.  It doesn't mean that every thing we remember isn't real or doesn't matter. It's just bloody war and that's what it's like which isnt an attitude that is going to get us to pop along to a local art group but its the best spin we can put on it. We don't expect anything else from this life in these structures. I know I hear you "believe" and we do when we don't feel the pressure to be on anti psychotics or go to art groups. Had a lass from ward in the other day she's adorable, we love her .. she drinks like Laura..

This time last year. The run up to the 21st knowing it was significant and desperate for something to happen and needing it to be positive and knowing deep down that it wouldn't be but wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to us either. The sources, the messages that it would be different this year.  How much have we banked on that..The same date. Dude keeps saying it was the 14th and looking down about it. It's good he is feeling. I said we are going to have steak pie on Friday because that was one of her favourites and we will talk about her and make it special. She would of been fine if it wasn't for all the horrific abuse and abusers. We posted two big boxes of parcels for up the road today she would of been glad. We feel sometimes we should of made the effort to see her more but it was beyond too much. We couldnt forgive her for not perusing treatment and for the way she told us straight after Laura died when we already knew. We really just had nothing left. Not for her. Not for the kids. We have a little more now. And hopefully more on the way.


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