..dear reader..

All the peaks and troughs in the memories gets dizzying. Sickened by the slaughter and enslavement and the no where is safe all pervasiveness of meticulously maintained ancient hate that has consumed this planet and annihilated its human cultures and their potential one minute then warmed and fortified by times spent with people capable of seeing all of me with affection and acceptance, people capable of witnessing the genocide and all the physical acts, decisions and words that that word represents without it washing their values away like the water from fire engine hoses washed away so much blood from concrete, tarmac and grass. Felt better today than yesterday, the dreams didn't hang over as badly. Paid the council tax and did the dishes, got the kitchen floor cleaner. The humidity seems to have lifted even though its been raining for hours. There's some wind to so its cooler and air feels like air again instead of a grubby sticky suffocating blanket. We have a day of n...

We've been going back to the dancing a lot and the regular weeping breaks. So fucking sick of the endless totally together but extremely far apart shit. It makes every victory hollow. Separating the double teamers from the rest of us and thanking them for their assistance even if their displays of casual joy at killing their own comrades creeped out everyone with any authentic feelings. They were so separate from their surroundings, everything, all deaths and all destruction was entertaining to them in ways that undermined all relief and made it impossible to not wonder why they were so incapable of understanding what was going on. Then tellinig them their handlers were all gone but we weren't going to make them walk home to the crappy jobs and loveless families that had been organised for them, their associates in the constabulary were available to return them, if my people allowed it. It was the usual fucking momentous, beyond anything we could dream about, life would be ver...

'Think its because we're all fucking idiots Sir.' 'Yeah I thought it was probably that.' Three fucking years ago. Quite an engagement wasn't it? Telling that there some issue up in the hills we had to go deal with when we knew those particularly issues would never be issues again. Watching your serious face, eyes scanning the road side, the fields, the forests all the way up there then waiting on you to turn your back before getting down on one knee and opening up the ring because a comrade had managed to get to us. He was just as emotional as I was about it, when had used a bit of paper I think to get your size right and slid it over the table to him. He asked if he needed to ask who it was for we said we didn't think so. The way you turned away and cried then turned back and said 'Aye.' The air strike that interrupted our celebrations and us running and laughing in to trees for cover. And what happened next. The way Pablo ran up the aisl...

Returned to an epic we haven't been in for a while last night but its a long runner. Big well organised high tech well armed and resourced versus people who know what's been happening, what's planned and how there isn't much time or opportunity before all hope, all life is lost. Not as much an armed planned resistance group by now, so much was lost over and over in epic nightmares long ago. Its a scary film we have to watch but it will end, its real events we are witnessing knowing the disasters and atrocities are going to happen but completely powerless to do anything about, the bad systems have to complete a hold on us. Today's early morning return to was mostly set in an debris, corpse and rat filled tunnel, a small group of survivors not together by choice. There was a baby that was starving, we knew they were closing in on us. There was automated trains to that ran from the tunnel to the outside but the train didn't stop and no where was safe anyway. We ...

Found out yesterday that all the solar string lights still work, they're still sitting on the table outside though where we left them after successfully detangling them. Today we have been tired and slow and getting the first definite signs that we have caught the cold junior brought home from school. When I told that when I first start getting a cold it always makes be feel weepy and emotional he admitted to having a meltdown a school the day before we kept him because of virus symptoms. He seems to be a lot better now, tired and pretending he isn't. Hes really into making faces at the moment, getting right in my space, pulling faces, staring into us and still doing it when we tell him to stop. The personal space stuff can have us feeling really intruded upon and fairly distressed when we are feeling particularly vulnerable. Mummy is on the spectrum to hun. Usual. Expect for the amount of sleep we have been getting but the being glad to be to be mostly left alone with the...