I know we have said this before

Found out yesterday that all the solar string lights still work, they're still sitting on the table outside though where we left them after successfully detangling them. Today we have been tired and slow and getting the first definite signs that we have caught the cold junior brought home from school. When I told that when I first start getting a cold it always makes be feel weepy and emotional he admitted to having a meltdown a school the day before we kept him because of virus symptoms.

He seems to be a lot better now, tired and pretending he isn't. Hes really into making faces at the moment, getting right in my space, pulling faces, staring into us and still doing it when we tell him to stop. The personal space stuff can have us feeling really intruded upon and fairly distressed when we are feeling particularly vulnerable. Mummy is on the spectrum to hun.

Usual. Expect for the amount of sleep we have been getting but the being glad to be to be mostly left alone with the pain until we tell him no more screens then he wants to talk, hang out, be near me and we feel bad for leaving him to it all day and that no matter how much time we have to ourself it never feels enough and because we feel we have so little left for him. Making promises to do better tomorrow have to get some washing done, will take him on a walk which he will object to but it will benefit us both. Cant even use promises of ice cream as a bribe, at least we got his hair cut though. Usual.

Sometimes we cant believe we are here, we think its because we still feel so bad so much then we remember how it felt in Fife and it isn't the same. Of course. But being here isn't some magical cure for everything we have been through, everything and everyone taken and everything a person needs growing up and to feel safe and happy that was and is denied.

Not entirely looking forward to the school holidays what with pain levels being what they have been. We've been remembering our brothers with the cut faces and aspects of our life back then. Pablo says if you ever need to talk about anything I'm here for you but how the hell could we. Little bits about our mother to, how we hesitated and took the needle towards our own arm then hesitated again and looked at her there was no need to ask there was only one dose. Her eyes were shinning, so full of love and relief and confidence in things we don't know about or cant access. Laughing at us, like she was going to give me a way out at this point.

Years. Not years and years. Was that a real thing that not only actually happened as it appeared but actually means what its supposed to mean to? Can both of those criteria be applied to anything we 'remember' in a way that we can write about then hit publish?

Bits of the night time shooting in Fife that will be real. The sound of it rings in our ears somethings like it just happened but the frustration of having to fight like that just for things to get worse again, no good contacts just less from people that aren't, no peace but less attempts on our lives and bodies, no respect but a little less hate from some, no changes with the neighbours but a few less in the networks, no change with the political systems but a lot of differences in their capabilities to reach us. Fucking endless.

Wish someone would help us go outside more.

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