We've been going back to the dancing a lot and the regular weeping breaks. So fucking sick of the endless totally together but extremely far apart shit. It makes every victory hollow. Separating the double teamers from the rest of us and thanking them for their assistance even if their displays of casual joy at killing their own comrades creeped out everyone with any authentic feelings. They were so separate from their surroundings, everything, all deaths and all destruction was entertaining to them in ways that undermined all relief and made it impossible to not wonder why they were so incapable of understanding what was going on. Then tellinig them their handlers were all gone but we weren't going to make them walk home to the crappy jobs and loveless families that had been organised for them, their associates in the constabulary were available to return them, if my people allowed it. It was the usual fucking momentous, beyond anything we could dream about, life would be very different if it had happened before it did stuff that means so very little if it couldn't get us back to together then and there, or shortly after.  It was the longest patch of weapons discharge so close to the hospital and while it was ongoing we felt present, glad, proud and aware of other people. Then there was another mess to cleat up and still no you.

We night of cried and mourned all we will mourn for the double teamers but there is never an end to the tears and aching for us, for you and never will be.

We have remembered the birthday you picked, don't know if we tried to explain a bit of it to Pablo last year or if we will try to talk about it this year.

Distractions are good but as soon as they end or we take a break the tears and the hurt flood back. I hate that we are not together. I hate every second, every day, every month and year that goes by is a victory for the worst of the thems and we can never get any of it back.

Pink ones are pretty arnt they? We have been doing not to bad. Was so active for a couple of days after not being that we had thighs were so sore it hurt to sit down for a pee. Went for a good walk in our new shoes that have been squishing our little toes and didn't but socks on so they were a blistered painful mess. Wish we could get better at avoiding pain and discomfort instead of letting the old orders to suffer to keep running because we don't have enough or have ever had enough for long enough to replace then.

Going to Juniors school prize giving was pretty special it added a bit to the disbelief that we are where we are without contact or help from any of them. It ripples over us as well as sinking a little deeper quite regularly, moments of remembering what it was like being around Niall, having Johnston's as our only 'family'. How could it all of been allowed to continue, how could it all of been supported for so long. We know that isn't just us amnesiac who don't understand its others to, us that know as well as it could ever be known how many generations and centuries and how successful.

To use a child's own life own humanity, instincts and needs against her no amount of digs, autopsies, math, reading, forensic science, interviews or interrogations can ever give us anything close to a satisfactory answer.

There is just hate and we could see, feel and survive that without doing any work it all.

We put out star and heart back on for a day or two we kept reaching for it and not just in a something round our neck to fiddle with when we are anxious type of way. Been rewatching Orange and not long after the lake scene with Tovah we took it of again. No tears, it just feels inappropriate to wear it, no strength in it anymore for us just lonelineess

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