..dear reader..

It's whatnowism but it's also our over developed cynicism. We know the fact that we are here and not there and no one is calling, or coming round or shouting shit acting out detailed but ignorant plans to keep us feeling shitty and that this isn't something that anyone on at any level would of wanted. We know the brain of an adult is not going to be able switch to pumping out confidence and motivation chemicals, fully able to acklowdge, develop and exploit its own potentials after a week of not seeing people and places that had essential roles in the most unsurvivable events We have been through. It's not a developing brain, it's all grown up biologicaly anyway. That feels like a lot to mourn. We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its retu...

There is moments when We are really unsure of what to do with ourself. There is an old fear of the consequences if we are not doing precisely what we were told to do and if we found that we had ran out of instructions it would mean some really awful attack would be about to start. There is also the will formed with whatever we could find left in ourself that if and when it was possible for us to be comfortable and do absolutely nothing alone then that is what we would do for ever if possible.  There's the dreamers to, they wanted to do things usually creative and also alone but there is still the small voice from a very small girl that believes in people and believes time spent with them being honest but hopeful and caring will make lots of things much better. There's lots of others to heartbroken trying to find away to bring us together whilst not having figured out a way to articulate their own needs but there is a cautious relaxedness and relief that often feels like it i...

It's gone. It's taken some of the poison from the worst times from before and after moving to Dundee. The details are high up on a shelf in a locked box and we have no motivation to try and find the key. The extremes of we were put through feel in the past now and not stuff that we are still going through. Thought we might be a bit more motivated to re organise and find places for all the stuff taken from the dresser. Weirdly though we don't feel inspired to go through all the existing drawers to make space. We wrapped a couple of presents instead and covered them with a sheet, that will do for now until we have finished sorting out the cupboard. May have to buy more storage boxes but don't to buy anything that isn't definite basic essesntials or xmas presents for Pablo or Us. We had to make promises serious promises to get ourself here last year. We said we wouldn't attempt to sort out the benefits straight away if they didn't use the ESA form and they d...

I think we had came on it when scouting through the miles of remnants of what was once someones living room and I asked one of the boys what it was and what it was We stared at it for a long time or what counted for a long moment at that time and place. It felt like it had been awhile since there had been any day and night, . The boys roamed and kicked through the debris looking for food ammo or something useful without any enthusiasm none of wanted to be there and it made the exhaustion worse. We just stared at this thing. Can't even remember specifically what it is now but it was something not unlike the shit we surrounded ourself with and shelped dragged hawled across Scotland through poverty flits. Shabby Chic, tea light holder, hearts and butterflies made of metal or wood. Floral things from decades ago that look like they could be easily picked out through charity shops. Couldn't believe how many large boxes of it there was when flitting last year. The image of i...

Momentus event next week. The big dresser is going. Don't think it's just it's literal size and weight that weighs on us. Must of got it when we moved out of highly unsafe refuge to really unsafe flat in Dundee but can't remember. There's always been some hidden bad associations with it that we have really struggled with. Next week though. It goes. There is going to be some serious room sorting and beautifying. There will be room to give it's mirror that isn't going anywhere and we don't have swampy suffocating associations with a proper clean, there's a large whitish streak down it that I believe is from an arm pit explosion and knowing that is jarring with the hippy chic loveliness. Feels really right thing to do to mark the first anniversary of being here and not there. A lady from PIP was round. They phoned the day before so we didn't have too much to overthink it and get debilitating anxious and lots of new details about appoitments with...