..do solemnely swear..
It's whatnowism but it's also our over developed cynicism. We know the fact that we are here and not there and no one is calling, or coming round or shouting shit acting out detailed but ignorant plans to keep us feeling shitty and that this isn't something that anyone on at any level would of wanted. We know the brain of an adult is not going to be able switch to pumping out confidence and motivation chemicals, fully able to acklowdge, develop and exploit its own potentials after a week of not seeing people and places that had essential roles in the most unsurvivable events We have been through. It's not a developing brain, it's all grown up biologicaly anyway. That feels like a lot to mourn.
We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its return until looking through a notebook for the thing we wrote on the last time we took the train from Markinch to here and saw the pages of lists, phone numbers and sums. The dead ends, the stressed mistakes that led to lots more stress all laid out as well as the steps we actually took that worked out. It's just bring back the exhaustion and the heart break from then but it and something we wrote recently about the promises used to keep ourself going, how we couldn't sort out the benefits for like seven or eight months, the anger is back to equalling the heartbreak.
We knew we wouldn't be making any attempt at socialising or building a support network for a long time if ever because we just don't have anything left and also because it isn't change enough. It's me going to extreme lengths to stay alive and keep Pablo alive with no little help from anyone else, same as always. What has changed is the physical attacks, the physical, chemical restraints, and all the tortures or the constant threat of them, the work. Quite sure though the only reason it is not still going on is because of the resistance efforts of myself and mother. Other people didn't change. The power systems and the cultures are the same exact ones put in place by slavers in order to maintain slavery without any signs of change. Genuine justice is as impossible as it ever was.
We cleared our self enough space to have a little peace and that is something that most people don't have any real chance of doing and the will that we depended on to believe it was possible and to keep fighting is not going to suddenly let go, look around and feel satisfied with our little bit of lonely dissociated peace.
We have been drawing a little and that distracts her but we catch her looking at what We've done being pushed by the hazy recall of some specific training or work we had to do that involved drawing into the 'what if' abyss. We don't feel the same intensity over everything to so with the music industry, we can see a guitar and sometimes almost feel nothing so it's not surprising another creative industry is going to dominate the fury over our talents and the skills we were given that we will never be recognised as having, work we will never be paid for and the sick slavers worshipped as geniuses in their fields when their entire expertise exists in doing harm.
Hope this mood shifts soon, keep going round in a cycle of needing people and needing to not to try and explain what the fuck we are to anyone, of needing to not be waiting then realising we are not fit for anything else.. Think too much US news isn't helping, how could they let that thing on TV, let alone run for office? Our American was nearer the surface for a little while, loving some of the statements during the hearings, think she is someone who actually is letting go though and beginning to join the rest of us in accepting statelessness. There has been some crazy stuff gone on stop us from feeling any loyalty to the US from all over nowhere as committed to that as some people in America. The rest of us are very sorry she has to move on, we would of preferred to have to work to get the rest of us to join her but that's not what's happening as we are not in the states and have had no contact with any American's for a long time and that is something they promised would never happen. He would laugh as say not unless they killed them all but I couldn't laugh back knowing that was actually a lot more likely, easier and without consequences for the murderers than he realised. Suppose there is a chance they could be late but our insides say otherwise, they're gone.
We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its return until looking through a notebook for the thing we wrote on the last time we took the train from Markinch to here and saw the pages of lists, phone numbers and sums. The dead ends, the stressed mistakes that led to lots more stress all laid out as well as the steps we actually took that worked out. It's just bring back the exhaustion and the heart break from then but it and something we wrote recently about the promises used to keep ourself going, how we couldn't sort out the benefits for like seven or eight months, the anger is back to equalling the heartbreak.
We knew we wouldn't be making any attempt at socialising or building a support network for a long time if ever because we just don't have anything left and also because it isn't change enough. It's me going to extreme lengths to stay alive and keep Pablo alive with no little help from anyone else, same as always. What has changed is the physical attacks, the physical, chemical restraints, and all the tortures or the constant threat of them, the work. Quite sure though the only reason it is not still going on is because of the resistance efforts of myself and mother. Other people didn't change. The power systems and the cultures are the same exact ones put in place by slavers in order to maintain slavery without any signs of change. Genuine justice is as impossible as it ever was.
We cleared our self enough space to have a little peace and that is something that most people don't have any real chance of doing and the will that we depended on to believe it was possible and to keep fighting is not going to suddenly let go, look around and feel satisfied with our little bit of lonely dissociated peace.
We have been drawing a little and that distracts her but we catch her looking at what We've done being pushed by the hazy recall of some specific training or work we had to do that involved drawing into the 'what if' abyss. We don't feel the same intensity over everything to so with the music industry, we can see a guitar and sometimes almost feel nothing so it's not surprising another creative industry is going to dominate the fury over our talents and the skills we were given that we will never be recognised as having, work we will never be paid for and the sick slavers worshipped as geniuses in their fields when their entire expertise exists in doing harm.
Hope this mood shifts soon, keep going round in a cycle of needing people and needing to not to try and explain what the fuck we are to anyone, of needing to not be waiting then realising we are not fit for anything else.. Think too much US news isn't helping, how could they let that thing on TV, let alone run for office? Our American was nearer the surface for a little while, loving some of the statements during the hearings, think she is someone who actually is letting go though and beginning to join the rest of us in accepting statelessness. There has been some crazy stuff gone on stop us from feeling any loyalty to the US from all over nowhere as committed to that as some people in America. The rest of us are very sorry she has to move on, we would of preferred to have to work to get the rest of us to join her but that's not what's happening as we are not in the states and have had no contact with any American's for a long time and that is something they promised would never happen. He would laugh as say not unless they killed them all but I couldn't laugh back knowing that was actually a lot more likely, easier and without consequences for the murderers than he realised. Suppose there is a chance they could be late but our insides say otherwise, they're gone.
