There is moments when We are really unsure of what to do with ourself. There is an old fear of the consequences if we are not doing precisely what we were told to do and if we found that we had ran out of instructions it would mean some really awful attack would be about to start. There is also the will formed with whatever we could find left in ourself that if and when it was possible for us to be comfortable and do absolutely nothing alone then that is what we would do for ever if possible.

 There's the dreamers to, they wanted to do things usually creative and also alone but there is still the small voice from a very small girl that believes in people and believes time spent with them being honest but hopeful and caring will make lots of things much better. There's lots of others to heartbroken trying to find away to bring us together whilst not having figured out a way to articulate their own needs but there is a cautious relaxedness and relief that often feels like it is going to hit us like a tsunami but is more regularly falling into bottomless puddles of ice water.

We are wondering what will happen to Ms Of Course who knew we would end up here as surely and definitely as she knows most things that would put us here and had decided the best course of action was to delay responding emotionally to all events until the conditions were more appropriate. She may be in the role of the main just stop everything and softly cry. The cry has changed recently and it often does.

Things that we fought hard and long and with everything we could to keep but lost, memories of family, self awareness based in who I am outside of slaver control starts slowly returning, waking up. Sonny, long before Pablo.


In Dundee someone amongst all the endless physical and verbal and institutional hate someone called up sounding all privileged and hate made pumped up on some shoddy and bloody intel thinking him and his particular group of fellow human sellers would get our attention by saying that they knew who Louise was.

It did get my attention but only very briefly but did trigger issues that don't go away and helped kept us awake during a night when it would of actually been okay to sleep.

There's only one answer to 'I know who Louise is.' and that's 'So you know about the genocide then? And all the other types of mass slaughter like how sometimes they just wanted kids of a certain age and didn't care where they came from or colour they were. So you'll know about the slavery as well then? The breeding and all torture and extreme shit that goes on? Well of course you know. You called me. You called me and said you know who Louise was. So must be at least involved in the slavery then? The big markets in huge under ground car parks where people of all ages are auctioned? Where there is arguments about precisely how much sampling of the goods is allowed and at what price? And you get beaten for even accidental eye contact.

If no one bought someone sometimes they were just shot in the head then sometimes in front of their families or they would be sold to be worked to death somewhere like the snuff farms, organ stealers, death rings and murder party organisers, the fatal experiments or some other evil disgustingness ancient or brand new.

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