Not being somewhere we really need to not be

Momentus event next week. The big dresser is going. Don't think it's just it's literal size and weight that weighs on us. Must of got it when we moved out of highly unsafe refuge to really unsafe flat in Dundee but can't remember. There's always been some hidden bad associations with it that we have really struggled with. Next week though. It goes. There is going to be some serious room sorting and beautifying. There will be room to give it's mirror that isn't going anywhere and we don't have swampy suffocating associations with a proper clean, there's a large whitish streak down it that I believe is from an arm pit explosion and knowing that is jarring with the hippy chic loveliness. Feels really right thing to do to mark the first anniversary of being here and not there.

A lady from PIP was round. They phoned the day before so we didn't have too much to overthink it and get debilitating anxious and lots of new details about appoitments with government agencies or charties in the past when we knew we were going to gets lots of disgusting antisemtic misognistic and get told we would always be a slave. Think it went okish. I know we are not going to be able to give more details than we could in our own time in writing and that face to face there is always going to be a tendency to gloss over and not look at the details of things like incontinence and weepy DID. We actually laughed when she asked us to start counting down in sevens from a number near 100 than 7., we definitely got one right but no idea how good our guesses before that were. Guess we hoping that it wasn't too good can't see how we could of gotten them all right. Remembered to not do the physical actions that are asked for as any time we have agreed to them in the past it has left us shuddering and queasy when we remember after. Did forget our blind spot, the possible autism.

 It can be quite painful thinking about children needing and getting extra care and support when your own childhood it was usual for universal child needs were not met and seeing how uncomfortable and stressed kids who are being really well cared for can get and trying not to think about the effects of deliberate abuse on a small developing person already so sensitive because it's too awful. We start getting flashes of being forced to watch adults torture and train severely autistic kids and then we need to do something else.

 if an appeal is necessary we can explore it then.  We are anyway but slowly because its hurts and watching Atypical and thinking about it and knowing autism is associated with behaviour that wouldn't of been tolerated and would of been met with severe violence. States can't half make some wonderful positive funny soaps that we can seriously binge on when were are okay for watching people love and care for each other in entertaining ways without focusing on what we don't have. We are not accepting that One Day At A Time is not coming back.

They are a wonderful salve to our wounds unlike the other and older soaps where the endless gender enforcement and other shit that goes has us back staring in the bleakest abyss.

For a while we were in a system that had teenagers and others taught to keep all the kids quiet and handle able through trauma and use drugs only when necessary. Drugs cost money, violence doesn't is something I think might actually of been said. Some even went as far as to rationalise it and say it was better for the kids if they didn't experience what was done to them and in front of them. They were taught in interpret the looks in our eyes. They were taught to experiment to find out what physical pain each child could tolerate the least and to talk to them and to all of us to try and find out if any of us had any source of hope or comfort they didn't known to use against each infant, child or older and they always worked hard at slowly destroying whatever comfort it was.

There was also this place that I think the guys who worked there called the lab. I was mute or rather stopped learning how to talk once separated from my mother. dozen or so of us kids brought from the markets and one already there who didn't know anything else. I was mute it was the only thing I could think of to do to survive but I remember staring at that tiny kid feeling so angry thinking how there was just no going back for people who did something like this. I got good at faking states through the look in my eyes fast. I knew they didn't know about my mother but whoever they worked for didn't trust them and hadn't told them. Two of the main blokes talked in front of me a lot because they didn't think I could understand and couldn't talk any way. Another who generally dressed and smelled better and talked quiet and smarter would tell them not to talk in front of me. He had seen something and kept watching us with his narrowed icy eyes but it actually helped us stay vague and appear out of it. We had a horrible sense he had killed more, harmed more than all of the rest of them put together and we had to work hard to not let our eyes see and ears hear and brain know how true that was.

I did start occurring to us that our Mama wouldn't be able to rescue me and might not even know where we were. We tried to think of any other way for it to all stop. There was lots of concrete and metal bars and small bare looked rooms and boxes is all I can remember about how what the place actually looked like. There might of literally been only a small pile of straw for sleeping, porn magazines sometimes the young men wouldn't stop you if they caught you using them for blankets, pillow or as something between the bones sticking out the skin and the concrete floor.. There was youngish guys that spent a lot of time on computers or boasting, bickering and messing around when they weren't torturing us. Sometimes they put on lab coats for that especially in the beginning. After awhile it was just plastic apron things the quieter more bookish one that still wore his lab coat though.

 One day we were been taken from one area to another and remembered it was the same way we had been taken when we had first got here and we felt the difference in how everything looked and felt, in our height. We knew we wouldn't be able to survive much more and we knew that for us probably wouldn't mean death but we had no idea what would happen to the others being held with me and we didn't want to add to their misery.  We figured we had to some how get stronger and then something would happened that meant I wouldn't need to try and figure out any plan I would just have to figure it out at the time and that's pretty much what happened but I have no real sense of how long it took but I remember we were taught to steps to help our mind and to strengthen muscles by tightening and loosening them and we did that when we could. One of the loud ones spotted us and shouted on his mate he was laughing and saying we were masterbating and when the other came in grabbed me and held me and tight while the other one raped me. He was going to as well but there was something schedulaed that the one that had wanted to get on with.

Then, now and always We have that searing longing to not have to go through such horribleness, to not see so much murder and loss and disgustingness and savage injustices and feel so much pain and always be fighting to live, to be running, hiding, locked away, tortured, raped, sold. We wanted a world that doesn't have people farming people. We need a world where people don't farm people.

The big markets didn't get raided much. The smaller ones, say in bars, parks, small business or someone's front room did. Sometimes it was just cops from whatever area wanting a cut and a look at the wares. It would be years sometimes before we would find ourself at one. Reading the faces of the other ictims and searching for a familiar face and hoping they didn't look to bad. Some of us came with lots of conditions. We were only availed for limited times we had prior commitments that were none negotiable we had to be picked up and returned to Aberdeen Scotland so that would put lots of it was always sickening when the guy went 'oh hang on we might be able to work something out' citwe would try not to hear country and city names so we would not just think of the slavery whenever it was mentioned so there was generally lots of haggling and yaking going on. There would be others that were obviously a higher end of the market. There would only be a few of us taken and we would be scrubbed up and giving nice clothes, there would be sophisticated lighting and the buyer usually just an black outline if anything to us.

We knew we had to pick something to build on quickly while we still had a mind and as Scotland always the literal centre of so much of, and experiences there or directly from there haunted and hurt for weeks and years after is seemed a good a place to start as any. They want me to pretend I'm their daughter, that there is an actual family here that all the slaughter, blood and screaming never happened. Fine. But she is still us and she going to see she can have no life, no fun and nothing she wants while still in contact with such a abusive and violent family.

 To get away from them was to break the ties with all the rest of it anyway. It was all same, business far from Aberdeenshire kept us in Aberdeenshire. They were paying for the endless bullshit campaigns, the day to day violence, the clean ups after bigger violence constantly looking brief access to be subtleing trigger or not subtly awful to us and spit out stream of anti semtic, misogisnistic, racist rape and murder threats againt myself, the vulnerable and others who may been slack on treating me like shit

. A few of the British networks worked together on the trying to get as close to as many people say we would never get out of Scotland and never be safe or happy, We remember being curled up in a cupboard I think and could hear them make plans for how they were going to make sure everyone I came across said it, who was going to organise it if we were going to be neat a town or village and did anyone know about any tourists coming espically if was rural areas we would be in. We listened and wept. Wept for them for spending there time doing such a thing and for everyone else who had any taste of being treated like that. When we came to weep for ourself we stopped and looked around at the crampt space and felt our brain gently fall into efficient working order.

The memories rising to the surface don't effect us so badly for as long as they did now that we are away from the scene of decades of crimes. We are here, not crying with exhaustion and stress and pain trying to find here and get here or crying in exhaustion and stress and pain and having no hope of being here. Accepting is so much easier when your life isn't totally unacceptable.

Looking out at the backdoor not long after the movers had left we couldn't stop ourself from not focusing on the present especially when there so much that had to be done and starting wondering and hoping about how things would be in a year. We feel we have done her proud, that we do live how she has always dreamed about living. It's difficult to word how it feels, slowly opening our eyes to our surrondings, hearing, acknowledging and telling ourself nothing, saying wordless as possible until we hear ourself spontonusly state 'We did it.'

It didn't feel certain we would still be here, that it would be okay, or that US would defend itself. Don't know how many parts know the deal with the origins of impressions we have about part of the anti slave tradition became focused on limiting the plans for the U.S. To make sure enough of the work done to make sure there would be effective resistance to slavers and fascists and misognists taking  control and dismantling the institutions that uphold the constitution that there was a chance it would be stopped. Even if efforts failed they was a chance that they could regroup and restore but that couldn't happen if the flesh bots where all in places and correctly programmed.

Interesting to think about this time next year. What happens over there doesn't feel as relevant to us as it did but not many things do. Netflix feels relevant and keeping an eye out for price drops in dragon stuff on Amazon for Dude's xmas. It was such a hard year before we got the benefits sorted out and before that it had pretty just been a really hard life. We are so glad we have the big mug we deserve with dream big written on it, that there is a large fluffy onesy under the bed and a new DS. Things are not as really hard as they used to be and that's more than okay but is going to take a while to adjust.

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