May

Body has sent some very clear messages that we should take it easy today. We are not arguing. Would be good to stretch our lungs, engage in some physical activity to take my focus of you. We can get a bit gross sometimes when we go through a phase when jump out of the back of our mind and expose all the bullshit and kick over our flimsy normal person fronts they forced us to cobble. And reminding us how normal we can be.

You found us didn't you? It had been months and months. We didn't know our name we didn't know yours we are still centered in that vague state. There is some real peace to it but the sense of not making progress that nothing sinks in anymore and the stress that if could see and engage more things would much better. We just haven't been able to switch back on again. We are just not really here ever and way to much has happened for us to catch up now.

It's so hard to feel how it felt to live knowing we were known but there is moments when we see it and get so much comfort from it. It's coming back but it's not taking away from the agonising constant hunger to know things that I don't have direct evidence for like if you are alive or not and where I come from..

That confusion has gone on so long it has become us. Without it we can't recognise ourself. She's completely alien to us and that is so terrifying she is stuck inside watching and knowing with no outlets, no communication. She won't be completly alone there's kind of primal pagan know it all who will understand her completly. The both deserve better.

The 'Where are you?' pull is going to take us somewhere, it's going to dig up something. I hope it's me it forces us to.




Struggling with an uncomfortable patch of horniness. It's lust for a bloke, that's okay, good even but stay grounded and make an effort to refocus if it starts becoming a fixatation which is understandable in the circumstances. it's grief for another, its a big tangled mess of traumas, drugged rape and lost parts, sick evil people and physical pain and crushing loneliness and a desperate chomping need to be humanised, It's the physical change that happens in your brain when some is deliberately trapped and hurt by another person and a  preparedness to die in the process of finding some space away from misogyny. Domestic violence and living under they same roof with people who hate you but love to hurt you and are glad you are not able to leave. Its all that male gendered sexual entitlement and all that injury death and disease and poverty for women. Not fun. Not life affirming. But shreds of something very different to but we can't disentangle it all it is probably impossible for any one pair of hands to do so and that's why we can't. It's wondering how many hoodies he has and why he picks the colours what they smell like and if he is wearing tshirts underneath them what colour are they and what do they smell like. He's on tv he's going to have a much better handle on hygiene than us but does he use fabric condition and if so what kind and how much and was it tumbled dried or hang up someone and if it was hung up where?

The vivid and detail impression is of being one of pack of children who were sometimes in school, living in houses and homes and sometimes did't and we were all being tortured, sold, moved around, instructed, trained and groomed by and for many uses by a lot of it sex work. I discovered when alone and hidden away with a friend who was also very prepubescent that not everything they were doing to us or forcing us to do was always horrible no matter who did it to who.  We knew it was precious and powerful thing and we had to keep it hidden. My/our 'sexuality' hasn't had the opportunity to move on and had lots of awful disgusting experiences that will keep us frozen and dissociated.

The other kid btw I can't give a number on how many deaths we seemed to have lived through for him. Lives were just nothing to them, the hassle of the disposal and if there was any value in the corpse was all they cared about if they couldn't sell us. We can never remember them all at one time we often have a vague bobbing about sense of whatever came over our mind last on the same subject but it feels utterly disconnected to us now even though we know days or hours ago we were living it and could literally hear, smell it and get deep glimpses contexts where we were always fighting so hard to stop that moment from happening.

I don't know if we have shared this one before. We are asleep in that room in that place. On a mattress or something on the floor near the wall without the window. I don't know if the beds are not there yet, have been taken out or I'm just not allowed/prevented from sleeping on them. Our hair is long. We are woken up by drips of something warm on our forhead, cunt says something and completes the castration of the/our teenage boy then leaves. We wrap up the boy and he bleeds to death in our arms. We let him go.


Enthusiastic to get out there today. It was dry, sunny at times. Got Junior to help with digging a hole
Can't see any reason to enforce the face shaving as you can see. He is staying on top of his tummy fur because he likes a smooth tummy we have been encouraging him to moisturise after shaving.

Layered the roots fungus and the rose food and gave her some quality mud. Bit more confident that we will look after the new and last years rose think with two of them, the pretty thing for them to climb and because its not the first fucking year with a patch of very neglected ground. 

Then dug up the ground a bit and moved around broken concrete slabs. Not done with the slabs quite wanna an arse/foot rest bit on one side and theres a nicer slab that could be a food area on the other.. Need to figure out the areas where herbs or little things can grow through... Gonna be crazy cute with loads of flowers behind it and tidied up.. Another wonderful spot to drink and smoke upon a summer evening but without the blatant constant hate that I hate we had to live through so much of.

would of lit it then and there already got the giant marshmallows cept he's asleepin and I 'm too tired now anyway. Nothing tomorrow more strenuous tomorrow than washing out and in. Maybe start few big sunflowers of for the back wall there.



Wonderful sleepy Sunday. Some rain to we were glad of it. Easing back on the plans for around the stove. Still want a decent size and reasonably flat bit on one side and might try out one of those white tiles that were in a cupboard when we moved in. .. It was Junior who got us moving today by making smoothie for the garden party that was rained of but we did manage a little out door prep. I did a bit of looking out over our little lovely patch in the rain and feeling all peaceful and chuffed.

First chores for tomorrow, put the towels out to dry, water the roses. Whatever calls to me after that. Seem to be coming down from the wantonness. I wouldn't be enforcing social distancing and send him away if he turned up at the door but mostly we sliding back into missing the first one who was either murdered by slavers in front of me or it was another cute boy that died and mine is just busy. It felt very good to be distanced from that. Imaging what we would be like, 'Sorry I was thinking about initiating sexual intercourse.. or at least trying to..um.'

But we realise of course that he isn't going to be able to make it back for us and we can't feel seen again with him with that hanging over us. I suspect we wouldn't care about that for a while if we opened the door to find out precisely how one of his hoodies does smell when it's standing outside my flat next to the surviving violas.

Its when the memories start turning to marriage proposals that they can really fall apart. Just as vivid and 'real' but no longer coherent. It's occurred that maybe be wouldn't of gone a long with this as it seems we did they can start looking shabby very quickly. None of it could of happened and it did we are missing a lot of extremely relevant context. Hurts more when it doesn't crumble so easy, aspects of human relationships and my own capacity for them that have never and can never happen, it can be easier to just not seen, feel or think about any of it. Can't keep that up for long though because slow robots that are not responding to lots of their environments and can't figure out consequences anymore get taken out.

Always having to go back to all of it fresh though. To learn again in detailed and documented fashion precisely how fucked up everything and everyone is and eventfully we had to stop putting whatever humanity the dissociation and its causes left through it. It was the same story, same guys telling it. His relief that we appeared to have eventually stopped engaging so I could be used to deliver their messages work under their orders for any agenda without any consciousness or self interest of curiosity or compassion or survival getting in the way.

We remember it was when we stopped engaging not needing to make it 'seem real' it was, he appeared relieved that we would be moving onto the next stage, then he put his hand gently on my shoulder and walked us to another room where there was at least two other blokes and a bunch of machinery that we had no idea what it did but did know we needed to do all we could to stop it from doing whatever it did to me. We were so glad we had bee told about this as we would of been helpless otherwise to survive the terror alone.

Thinking now about how it felt to be constantly surrounded by a lot of that 'I don't know what that is but I need it to not do it to me' machines, drugs and techniques. To be a toddler surrounded by other toddlers, to be still a child but pregnant surrounded by all that shit and the people who believe in it.. We are trying to notice and enjoy the difference but we usually feel to tired, still in shock on some levels and hypervigilant for whatever is going to happen next.

And feeling she betrays herself grossly by still thinking about what different materials are used in the fabric blend the hoody is stitched from and yes he probably would be okay with and talking about everything we would need to talk about and how such subjects in that accent would do well at disarming lots of our inhibitions.




Stove was lit for the first time this year this evening. Pink wine drunk and giant marshmallows toasted after a little weeding. Haven't settled on how to finish the slab area but have been disregarding all ideas that involve moving them all and digging lots more. A little earth turning, a spirit level and the remaining slabs is all we will need for now. Noticed plants outside an open shop today but we were already heavy with pizza, juice and booze from a different shop. Like we said we need to look after what we already have and not bring in new stuff. There was some seeds sown whilst tipsy today anyway, two small pots of the fancy daisies not putting them in a tray again this year lord no, did put the mini sunflowers in one though to start them off and not just feed them directly to the birds. Sprinkled some poppies behind the stove they came with a grocery delivery and they weren't what we asked for but they were seeds so wasn't going to be sending them back. Learned enough from previous years not start loads of seedlings at once as they become a hassle to look after and find somewhere to put.

There some sad acceptance looking towards the summer months. I think it means we won't be as hurt and angry to be on our so much. Junior getting older and maturer helps.

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