Really not helping gustiness
Windows left open overnight meant that when the wind got up the bathroom door started slamming and woke us up. Wasn't feeling too bad or too good had that late spring insomnia it's different front other season insomnia because of the energy we don't know what to do with. Have lost the desperate longing to be out being social, to have friends and to be active in recent years, it's more of a wish now. It's particularly annoying though as the lack of sleep means we have less time to do things during the day that we might actually be able and want to do. Not that being active or getting up early has ever been much of a cure for our sleeping problems. There just isn't a sweet spot between being inactive or over tired. Despite getting up reasonably early for the groceries and then do a fair bit of gardening we just couldn't stop the anxiety building as soon as we close our eyes. It had only been about three or four hours so wasn't going to try too hard to not nap. Really awful when we did woke up afterwards. Even in the dream we were able to tell ourself that he is 12 and not a toddler anymore but it made no difference. At one point we found ourself on a train we hadn't realised we had got on when desperately trying to get back to him and saw it was traveling in the opposite direction to where we thought he could be.
Totally isolated and friendless single parenting with DID is no fucking joke. There is no one to cover for us if a part that doesn't know our current life is in the driving seat. If we can't parent, he has no carer. It's terrifying. The very nature of dissociation means it is not possible to keep any person, any responsibility even our own needs constantly in mind. There's guilt about times we let him or asked Margo to have him when we knew she would be around the rest of them. It's unlikely we had much in the way of real choices and the limited choices we had it is highly likely that if we didn't do what we did we would not be here now away from all of them, out of Aberdeenshire, out of Angus, out of Fife with enough benefits for essentials and some small wants. With no Niall or anyone else undermining, invalidating, gaslighting and triggering us with every word and deed and the subtle or overt messages, questions and threats passed on from others. It does help sometimes to remember how it felt do have be in the company of, to live under the same roof as any of them. The powerlessness and the comfortlessness. I really hope the kids make it out. I really hope that at some point at some level they understand that a better life with decent human beings is possible. All this time without even the hours school and school friends to escape to.
Think we have said before that we have a sense that if we did more activities with him we might not get quite so many of those dreams quite so badly but they leave us annihilated. All we can do is hug him tight and if he starts chatting about his interests we get instantly overwhelmed, can't keep up. We do our best to smile and interact but if we ask him to join us in something that is helping to calm or distract he prefers doing his own thing. Of course the things he is into and might want to do will be stuff we are to messed up to handle.
Fucking wind is keeping us seriously agitated. Made it out for prescriptions and to water seedlings and new plug plants. Very well done even if we grabbed the wrong tshirt and didn't notice until in the que that it was pretty grubby. Thank god they had everything and we didn't have to interact somewhere else for the antidepressants. New books arrived yesterday to. Still can't find the fucking kindle. There is a chance he may of hidden it as an excuse to use the tablet with its colours, games and internet access to read with. There is also a really good chance that either of us has just lost it.
Phone word games.. or read. Marc Maron had us sniffling talking about the sudden death of his partner. Sounded awful. Poor bastard. Thought it was weird when he talked about her having caught something when they are really strict with the social distancing and the hygiene. Hearing him talk about all the support he is getting and being offered made us feel better for him though. I can imagine how helpful and humanising that must be.
Totally isolated and friendless single parenting with DID is no fucking joke. There is no one to cover for us if a part that doesn't know our current life is in the driving seat. If we can't parent, he has no carer. It's terrifying. The very nature of dissociation means it is not possible to keep any person, any responsibility even our own needs constantly in mind. There's guilt about times we let him or asked Margo to have him when we knew she would be around the rest of them. It's unlikely we had much in the way of real choices and the limited choices we had it is highly likely that if we didn't do what we did we would not be here now away from all of them, out of Aberdeenshire, out of Angus, out of Fife with enough benefits for essentials and some small wants. With no Niall or anyone else undermining, invalidating, gaslighting and triggering us with every word and deed and the subtle or overt messages, questions and threats passed on from others. It does help sometimes to remember how it felt do have be in the company of, to live under the same roof as any of them. The powerlessness and the comfortlessness. I really hope the kids make it out. I really hope that at some point at some level they understand that a better life with decent human beings is possible. All this time without even the hours school and school friends to escape to.
Think we have said before that we have a sense that if we did more activities with him we might not get quite so many of those dreams quite so badly but they leave us annihilated. All we can do is hug him tight and if he starts chatting about his interests we get instantly overwhelmed, can't keep up. We do our best to smile and interact but if we ask him to join us in something that is helping to calm or distract he prefers doing his own thing. Of course the things he is into and might want to do will be stuff we are to messed up to handle.
Fucking wind is keeping us seriously agitated. Made it out for prescriptions and to water seedlings and new plug plants. Very well done even if we grabbed the wrong tshirt and didn't notice until in the que that it was pretty grubby. Thank god they had everything and we didn't have to interact somewhere else for the antidepressants. New books arrived yesterday to. Still can't find the fucking kindle. There is a chance he may of hidden it as an excuse to use the tablet with its colours, games and internet access to read with. There is also a really good chance that either of us has just lost it.
Phone word games.. or read. Marc Maron had us sniffling talking about the sudden death of his partner. Sounded awful. Poor bastard. Thought it was weird when he talked about her having caught something when they are really strict with the social distancing and the hygiene. Hearing him talk about all the support he is getting and being offered made us feel better for him though. I can imagine how helpful and humanising that must be.
