February 27, 2012

Tea and Toast

My mood got better yesterday probably because the actual day of my birthday brings a bit of a break in the tension. Saturday was pretty awful though, no money, no cards or wee pressies in the post all those memories of friendless birthdays in the past. Today started pretty awful though, dreams about a tiny baby that someone had left, I let on older woman look after it. Then I heard crying when I went followed the sound I found the baby at the bottom of bath full of water. I scooped her out and turned her over to get rid of the water, before long the baby was a plastic glow in the dark skeleton that I felt there was no point in carrying around. I can still feel the little warm body close to me. February is more Haloweeny that October ever could be, everything is so bleak.

After feeling grumpy for a while I went back to bed and had a word with myself. We didn't resolve anything but we decided on the necessary things to do, feed, wash and cloth boy which I did happily. I was looking at him running down the road and heard the word 'satan' in my head. Maybe there is multiples that don't like him because they think he means the end of them. It's not true though, him being around means I have to address and except them all. Maybe its more like whoever said it was a cult construct that knows wee man means there is no going back, only forward.

Mum can take him on the day I travel to see new shrink though, big relief. Don't know what I'm going to do when she is working though. My sister is drinking too much for me to be happy to leave him with her. When my mum was talking about it she said there was no reason for my sister's drinking, I didn't agree, didn't disagree. She gets worse before family visits, during holidays but is much better than I am at keeping myself busy. I guess I tend to dwell, she runs from it. Daft cow, what can you do with someone that turns up drunk for her one and only AA meeting, to driving lessons, situations when she knows she will be sent away. That must be horrible. My card from my gran that had cash or a Markies token in it has gone missing, and the first thing I thought was maybe my sister had taken it. She lies so much, spends money she needs for the kids on drink knowing my mum will sort it out.

Mark Radcliffe told a joke I liked on 6 music, 'How many Freudians does it take to change a pe-eh-light bulb?' little things :)