..dear reader..

We're thinking we're about ready to stop be so tolerant of people hurting us just because we have no one else.  Including 'Mum'.   We cant sit on the floor in therapy and be ourselves and discuss my sisters problems like we're a grown up and part of that family at night, or the next day.  Sure their is the possibility that this is going to mean a bit more misery short term but if the parts see that we are serious about putting their needs first for a change, we should start feeling stronger and less vulnerable.  So hard being around people, the slightest, tinniest thing is enough ruin any bit of calmness or stability we muster so broken promises, ignorance, denial, delusions and plain old manipulative bullshit are best avoided.  We've been taking codeine in the evenings, weed guy's phone has been off for days and days and we are struggling with rage, self destructive impulses, over whelming intrusive memories, etc.  As well as feeling very small, very hurt...

'Cheapness of life' is the theme for tomorrows therapy session.  We didn't feel quite so isolated and undermined  last session when she tried to suggest a murder we had described wasn't real.  We have sall gone through periods of not believing it was ever real, some of us still do.  We are not as worried as we have been about how difficult it will be for her to put down the books and the reading enough to see me and all that we are.  We sent her the Exaro link and are getting the impression from the emails between us since that its maybe is starting to dawn.  Hopefully. There are plenty that aren't going to even think about waking up or reaching out if their experiences growing up in a culture where death and violent death is mundane isn't established as a shared truth. The floor in her office was inviting for the first time last week.  There was a wee toy down there.  The floor though. I can see it really easily, take boots/shoes of and get do...

Winter Fest was pretty lovely.  There's no getting away from the improvement in general base levels of depression, anxiety, feeling controlled and terror at intrusive memories for the moment anyway.. Lots of chuffedness at the presents we got ourselves and the old privileged parts who usually turn up at the end/beginnings of years were quite impressed with everything, but they are generally very happy anyway to be away from the privilege and from being part of determining injustice, current life is like a big ethical glamping commune for them.  At the other end of the scale things a much better too, benefits are ok and we are not paying the credit debt so the "having nothing = being nothing" feelings are triggered less.  Much more able to ask the friend whose not a big spender himself to bail us out instead of excepting suffering as 'what your here for'.  Hogmany, like Christmas day was just us and junior, like it should of been last year but was too worried the ...

....I completely understand.  I hope you are well again soon. Please keep in touch if you want to.  Take good care of yourself... Thanks SuperShrink.  Neither the first nor the last time a sense of being able to talk at length about a lot of ongoing stuff instead of going vague one day is is followed by waking up on the appointment day and cancelling everything without regrets. Drama therapy started again yesterday.  It didn't go well.  Its over a year of talking to a psychologist who has DID experience and is open to researching and listening to some talk about ritual abuse, the drama stopped back in June lots has happened since then.  There had been graphic repetitive nightmares in the few hours sleep I did get, reached out to L who was the center of so much of it all.  She was the base that torture and experiments to try and create parts that were tailored for their needs, EPS trapped in states of total mental subjugation and dislocation from our...

By christ its been awful.  Poor beautiful 12.  Not as awful as it was when it was ongoing but still seriously awful.  Those bastards emaciated me and loads of people were involved, loads knew something or enough. They hurt bairns, outside bairns and not just mine, hurt them a lot and no one I told was able or willing to do enough to stop it.  Its probably been about a year since that particular system of seriously traumatised trafficked parts came forward so completely and so devastatingly and for so long.  Last time we had only just started seeing therapist and were pretty mute then too relieved when they went away again to want to trigger them back by talking about it much.  Surely next time its not gonna hit so hard we have all done a lot of work.  Basically gone from having words like 'DID' 'Rape' and horrible pictures floating around a mind that had little awareness of what it was to drawing system  maps.  Its been said before but it ca...

You can say, write or draw anything you want. Most of the triggers are deactivated so you will not be on your own with it ever again. The boy is grown up now and after Glasgow Tong can't pull us back into it all again. We coz too much bother no one wants anything to do with us! You don't have feel guilty for sharing what happened, yes its crippled us but it won't always be that way. We have an outside person who listens and believes us so we don't feel cut off from they whole world anymore like they told you you would always feel. Thank for being here, thank for hiding and for sharing but you don't have to disappear anymore. Please think about what you need and what you like, you will be heard and everyone will do what they can to make you less sore, less terrified and less alone. You are awesome.

Yuck. The Moyles, Dave and Chapters victim parts have been back pretty much full time again. 2001 was the worst, sometimes them and the dream team together. Lots of just the 3 of them. 'Penis or prolapse' always a favorite game in abuse networks. They took turns analy raping me for as long as it took. In the living room, the hall, the bathroom. When they got what they wanted they brought out another DID part put my hand behind my back and asked me to guess what I was holding. They would force me to do something on camera before I would be given painkillers or taken to hospital. Chappers espically seemed to get off on making me watch the footage on you tube or whatever porn site. I didn't get it how could making me watch it online be any worse?  There was always lots of games in that sort of abuse. They did it again months later but it was just Moyles flaccid penis that time I was very relieved then the other two started on me again. In hospital there was little parts c...