Benefit day tomorrow. No idea if it would be best to spend on Junior's xmas or mostly on booze and goodies to keep our spirits up now. If we spend it all getting to December it's going to be particularly misrable if we go through the entire season without contact. Started growing way too late as well. Not sure if there will be much overlap between decorations being up and plant matter. Kind of gutted if we think about that. It will be easier probably to have a sense of Mum there just won't be any live interaction. Won't be pretending it's not her I'm missing but there has always been some more memories and movements of parts around Winterfest even if there isn't any drink or drugs to help facilitate it's always a little intimating as it gets closer. Partly why we go so nuts. Oh yeah we are going to remember everything we are and been and how totally powerless we are to give ourself safe and comfortable living conditions. What fun. Don't want to make it worse for ourself in a few weeks time really want to give ourself all the comfort we can right now. What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? I have a jigsaw I guess I could get that out. Can't get ourself to focus enough to read but we do still find bits and pieces streaming to amuse us for a bit.

We got to live in hope. If we can. She wasn't a fan of us denying ourself and was aware of 'Christmas us' of course she would have her room decorated just for us if she thought I might be able to visit. So slightly tipsy avoid drunk because that just feels so much worse. If we alone looking at lonely, skint, weedless weeks with or without stupid decorations up it will probably hit particularly hard because we never real found a way to prepare ourself for it but there is no point in extending the misery now. More chance of thinking up a way out of it if we feel better. Just don't go to stupid. Just in case.

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