August 30, 2011

I am Selfish.

I wish I wasn't but it part of the healing I hope, so I will grow out of it. I need the time to focus on me, to figure out what I need, what I need to be without. It's not as simple as it once was, when all my energy went into getting out of what ever situation, relationship that was hurting me the most. Life becomes easy when your life is in danger, my vision literally, became tunneled, my whole brain focused on finding the door, the words, the acts of violence or the movement of money that would get me away from wherever I was. There was no need for consciousness it all happened by it's self.

These days my priorities are different. I have to do housework, get the shopping in, bring up my son, do the bastard ironing. It's all so much harder than run, fight or switch. People mean something, everything means something. In survivor mode everything and everyone is a tool to aid escape or not worth bothering about. I balanced every carefully up, did the best I could and didnt worry. Everything is much more complicated now that I am in charge of managing my relationships!

I hate how much I resent the housework sometimes. What is wrong with keeping a good, safe, clean home for my son? But still this persistent feeling that life is too short for regularly cleaning the bastard kitchen floor and that washing the friggin cutlery is a waste of my time and talents. I miss the faces, the hands, the little bodies that when I held I knew my role in life and my position in the universe. I was to protect them using every conventual and unconventual method my imagination and training could come up with. I so rarely feel that certainty anymore.

I did work in a kitchen in my teens to pay for my hash and hated it, I'm sure that hasn't helped me not despise all kitchen work and the inferior role that is associated with. Washing your rapists dishes is no fun.

But I think part of me is to scared to want to build my life around my son in case he is murdered or taken away like the others even though I know that's unlikely. I just hope my issues don't become his. When he was small and I held him I had to hold back all the memories of birth and babies but some broke though, mostly good ones when I loved and was loved so much easier than I feel I could now. I am ashamed of my desire for space from my current wee man when I think about how hard I fought to be in this position. Just to get pregant, give birth in a hospital, register the kid and live as a single mother on benefits. The life I have now was all ever wanted for so long, no guns, no glory just peace and love.

2 comments:

  1. Learning to love yourself and to take care of yourself and to have needs of your own is not selfish. If you can't take care of your own needs and fill you up so that you are not always running on empty, you can't take care of your son.

    When you are so busy surviving, you are always running on empty. Living means giving yourself space to revive your body and your mind to be able to function and feel everything in your life.

    What you do to yourself, you teach your son to do to himself. If he always sees your needs going unmet by you, then he does the same to himself. We teach much more by example than we ever do with what we say to our children.

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  2. Trying to overcome the feelings of guilt because I was 'selfish' is the hardest thing I've dealt with on my healing journey.

    I wanted to share a thought that helped me, and might helped others: what you are doing isn't selfish....it's your right as a human to take care of your own needs and become all that you can be. It's not being selfish, it's called being self-actualized! Take the time you need...no matter how long it takes...because you can't ever be truly selfless until you have a whole self to share with others!

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