August 23, 2011

Contact with abusers

I think I'm moving on from feeling a sharp pang of jealous isolated pain when I read about abusers not having a choice but to have no contact with their abusers. It hasdn't worked out that way for me. My abusers were family, all of them, my community, my school teacher, my friends, everyone I knew basically. There was so many networks some used all of us, some didnt. People pic an mix. Meeting new people was so hard, they would be forced into the abuse as well usually the sort that used options, like 'do this to them or we will do that'. Nowadays I am too crippled with socialising problems, post tramatic stress symptoms, trust issues and general bad health to get out there much.

There is no point wishing my life away. In some little way I believe there is more to me valuing the support I get currently from my mother and my relationships with my sisters that is more than resignation to situations outside my control. It has helped me see them as victims too, helped me seperate what happened from me because I had no option but to sperate it from them. Parts of me has forgiven my mother and my oldest sister, but as far as my dad and my other sister go its a very differnet matter. Now that I've moved out and away I doubt there will be many occasions where I see my dad or middle sis, they will no longer play a role in my son's life. I knew I couldn't cope on my own and had no where else to go but I mourn the life we might of had constantly.

I can understand how people think it is wrong that I still have contact and allow contact between my son and people who I know have done horriffic things to me. But I hear a lot less lies, I won arguments I refused to let it go. It has made me stronger.

So much more to reality than words such as 'abuse', 'rape', 'ritual abuse', 'satanism' can ever cover. I think I am too ready sometimes to not feel alone that I deny the unique horror I expierenced. I try to make something palatable for other people when the facts are simply not palatable. I tried so hard find another way out but this is the only one that worked. My trials are over, I dont expect to have house full of cloaked up rapists using forms of sexual and emotional torture that I cannot repeat. If I work, doing anything for anyone the money comes home to me. My son will know nothing of the experience of it, these things I am sure of. It's a different world, and every big scandal and toppled dictator confirms it.