August 12, 2011

Rocking

Just read a piece that says cannabis can help with aspergers tics. Although its been suggested I have it, its never been diagnosed but without cannabis I struggle. I rock, dig my nails in my fingers and bit my hand sometimes. Of course all that could just be my body feeling stressed because something it is used to having isn't there any more. I smoke because it stops me feeling like a victim, I can write essays, poetry when I have a smoke, without it everything feels like walking in deep dry sand. Of course it makes me feels weak relying so heavily on something that is illegal, that makes the very people who worked me more money but it has been my best friend for a long time now. A friend I over use at times, that is sometimes too strong, or polluted but it makes me feel alive and gives me hope. 4 times today I have read the opening lines to Charles Dickens hard times and then put it down again. Smoking endless roll ups and doing my asthma no favours. One thing I'm sure of I would need something or someone to provide the support I feel I get from smoking if I was to ever give it up completely and I cant see where that would come from.

I woke up feeling like there was someone lying beside me, it was calming, comforting but he's not here. He is married with children and businesses and a whole bunch of shit I don't have. I guess the clique about never getting over your first love is true in my case. To be honest I never get over anyone, too much memory loss to make enough sense of something so I can let it go. I go round and round in circles of remembering, heart breaking want, forgetting then remembering again. While the people who are the focus of it all get to move forward with their lives, their relationships, their careers.

I wish him courage and love and hope he wishes the same for me.

I wrote this without my best friend, its not nothing. But what do I do with the rest of the evening? Music doesnt help, just takes me back to the studios and reminds me of the people taking the profits from work I was raped into creating. TV doesnt help, it makes me feel isolated. My few friends are all working. But I feel better for writing this and at least I did the dishes! lol