..dear reader..

Scotland hitting the early twenties in March. Bloody brilliant. Wierd walking around in a T shirt when the trees are all still bare. Maybe I could of made more of it but I'm not a big fan of sunburn, I hate feeling cooked. Sunshine makes me want things though. More/better friends, entertainment, opportunities. Sex. Starting taking meds more regularly. Made some decisions, feeling like more of grown up who is learning how to care for herself. I keep seeing, feeling, sensing something I used to be much more aware of. It hard to describe, its like a dot, a point, a spot even, in the center of my mind. I'm not sure what it means, is it a center, a blind spot, a full stop? I'm not sure but I've feeling like I can explore being me. Like I'm more aware of my environment, the Earth, my body. Like I can allow myself to be. I cried in dramatherapy last week. Someone else in group wasn't her usual self. She looked so hurt, so small and vulnerable it bro...

Clothes on the hanger or hugged together in clean mountains. His room a room. A bright, beautiful room. We make a good effort in a slightly hobling race to hold hands and reach the summit together. I always glance across the city to point where you cant tell where the grey buildings end and the sky begins. She had put her arm around me without touching me once. I start drawing my hands, my wrists. Seeing the contours the creases and the scars in oils, pencils, charcoal, pastels. My forearms, one brown one pale on a background of black and red turning to sunshine white and daffodil yellow.

I've been thinking a lot about studying drama and acting. Thinking about the practicalities. I feel quite lucky at the moment. I have a supportive GP, a psychiatrist and two forms of therapy. Sounds like a lot, putting it like that. Lots of people to write letters. Sounds good. Difficult but great choices to choose from. College (if they let me have time out for therapy) or put the college off til next year and do other stuff. There is an art class for mental health service users. I'd love to do it. But it clashes with drama. I feel like I should be carrying pomp poms and be all skinny. I have been enjoying my Glee recently. Skipped the Michael Jackson one but watched the Latin one and the Valentines day one. All extreme musical related cringing is cancelled out by all the gay people and the dancing. And boyish Britney. I feel so naughty watching it but it helps resolve many body issues I have ;) Have to admit I love the time to myself. I really, lurve...

... She talked about how she used to get singing lessons. I couldn't tell the difference between her vocal and the chart version on the CD. She said it was dubbed, something about a noise caused using microphones, or something. It was difficult for me. I did my best to encourage her, when she along to Tracy Chapman's 'Revolution' I could hear her voice was good. At home I was thinking about it all and started to wonder if her voice was being used to produce bootlegged tracks... Dancing and tears in dramatherapy. Little me and rabbit. Everyone has a Rabbit. Simpsons episodes on mind control cults and Marge as a glamour model. Usual genius. New Shrink soon. A little apprehension. Pub today. 1 and half pints of Guinness at two separate locations. Both went down like magic. Thinking about drama, thinking about moving forward.

Just spent about half an hour re-arranging my pictures. Suddenly they seemed so prop like. Artificial. We will sort out a box of toys for the living room tomorrow and take the clothes drier in here. Stared at the 'Chocolat' print wondering if it has a safe place. I left it where it is. The mood has been breaking. I applied to college, cleaned the kitchen. Bought her a card, forgot the address but phoned to tell her.. I bought myself wine (Morrision's extra special), fair trade chocolates and received a very humble gift from the green goddess. Watched news. Syria. BBC News, reporter saying they were finding groups of women without any men, the women said they took them all way. An older man said he saw them round up males and spilt their throats. Pictures of bloody corpses, a man stumbling across mounds of dirt with a child shape wrapped in white cloth. I've been reading Peter Levine, just a little. I knew when I was younger that prolonged disocation o...

'Potential' he says, 'I like to support people in realising theirs'. Yea I know. It's a word I've heard before, many people have said that about me. That I have 'potential', potential to make them money, potential to become something I don't want to be, potential to scrub up well, potential to be starved, potential to be drugged, potential to kill, potential to please people, potential for a photographic memory, potential to rememeber nothing, potential to be manipulated, potential to become nothing more than a shared lump of pain riddled ignorant flesh. He didn't mean it like that of course and I never told him the word is a bit of a 'trigger' for me. Everything is a 'trigger'. Espically people looking at me and talking. Going back there has stirred me up in ways I wasn't expecting. I want to go back. To be part of a city where there are lots of possible sources of support. Where hundreds of thousands have been a...

I set the alarm far too early, I always do. I have all these fantasies about all the stuff I'm going to do in when I get up. I dragged myself out of bed about an hour after the alarm first went of with plenty of time to do what I needed to do. I showered, took down the details I needed from my emails and remembered my phone, mp3 player and everything. Hanging about the house when I have an appointment is always a nightmare I'm often very early for things. This time it was handled it positively by eating a pretty decent bacon sandwich with a cup of tea in the very basic bus station cafe. The bacon wasn't too fatty, the marge with lightly spread and melted, the tangy cheap tomato sauce was perfect. The girl serving was smiley. I was going to buy fags afterwards but all the cash machines charged so I resisted and sucked heavily on my inhalator like a toddler on a dummy. There was the customary panic about the bus not turning up or me taking down the wrong details but i...

Really nasty dream last night, biggest sis said the jumper I was wearing had been a present from her to me and she wanted it back, she took it off me. I protested back my mum was on her side. Lots of trying to save babies from my mum, pointless phone calls to the police and trying to convince myself that because wee man is four hes safe now. When I first came round, first I had to figure out where I was and after that I felt like there is no fucking way I'm leaving him with them this weekend. At the moment I'm hoping its like the big talking boulders in the Labyrinth telling them to turn back, at their worst when your own the right track. Still scared though. But I need it, I need to move forward but I can't bare the thought of anything happening to him. I don't know if I should go, I know I probably will go though, I'm hard wired to be brave whenever possible. He's so adorable how can I even think of doing anything that might put him in danger.. Saw ...

New dramatherapist is lovely, the first was good but this one maybe has a wee bit more feistiness about her. I'm a good bit further on of course as well though. The reading I've been doing, and just that bit longer living on my own and feeling more or less safe. We talked about Little Me and I picked a furry animal with big eyes to represent her and put her in the sand box. I choose others to, an eagle for angry me, a ram for obvious sheep/lamb related reasons, a Russian dole for party girl and a dolphin for harmony me. I was worried the eagle might eat the sheep. She talked about individual dramatherapy and I am quite tempted but we need the group stuff as well, its a laugh, I like the other group members, its extremely good for me to be around people and feel safe. I could see people coming out in individual therapy in ways that wouldn't happen in groups though. She suggested individual sessions for when I wasn't up for group, a very good idea, I think wee migh...